Show Intro And Series Mission

Arlene Rome 0:00

And I would very often sneak over to see my grandmother lady.

Crista Cowan 0:08

You are a silent little rebel is what you were.

Arlene Rome 0:11

I was a silent rebel.

New Orleans Trip And Missing Cousin

Meeting Arlene And Family Connections

Crista Cowan 0:13

Stories That Live in Us is a podcast that inspires you to form deep connections with your family, past, present, and future. I'm Crista Cowan, known online as The Barefoot Genealogist. Counting down to the upcoming celebration of America's 250th birthday, you'll meet families from each state whose stories are woven into the very fabric of America. Tales of immigration, migration, courage, and community that remind us that when we tell our stories, we strengthen the bonds that connect us. So join me for season two as we discover From Sea to Shining Sea the stories that live in us. Last October, my nephew, number five and I had the opportunity to go to New Orleans. Now, if you remember, back in episode 27, I had all seven of the nibblings on the podcast. And they talked about one of our family traditions, which is a 13th birthday trip. And this nephew chose to go to New Orleans, which I love. He chose it because of the food and the jazz. I love those things as well. But one of the reasons I really love New Orleans is because of the family that we have living there and the opportunity that I get to spend time with them when we go. This nephew was very accommodating and allowed me to take him to visit the old people and hear their stories. Now, if you want to know more about these particular cousins, that's way back in episode number one, where I tell all about my origins into family history, finding my great-great-grandmother Carrie, and then ultimately connecting with these cousins in New Orleans. But in all of our trips there over the last almost 15 years, there is one cousin there who I've never met. And I've never really understood the story of why I hadn't met her before until October, when we were sitting around a table talking about family history and sharing stories. And Arlene walked in. And Arlene didn't just walk in. She walked in, she walked straight to me and hugged me because we've been Facebook friends forever, but we've never met in person. She also walked in with an armful of photo albums and a head and a heart full of stories. So as we sat around that table in Louisiana, I fell in love with my cousin Arlene. And so I invited her on the podcast to share some of the stories that she shared around that table with us. What I didn't know was that it would also come out exactly why she had been estranged from the family and why reconnecting with us all was such a big deal to her. So not only are you going to listen in on my conversation with Arlene, but what you're not going to see is that my dad was sitting just off camera as we recorded with her because he wanted to meet her too, even though this time it was only virtually. Enjoy my conversation with Arlene Rome.

Arlene Rome 3:21

Well, Arlene, I'm so excited to see you again. I know it. This is such a pleasure and an honor, and I was looking so forward to it. I've had this story for years in only my soul. And so it's so exciting to basically now share it instead of just, oh, it's so exciting.

Crista Cowan 3:42

Yay, I'm so excited. Yes, of course. So um, let's just get everybody caught up a little bit on our relationship before we dive into your story. So you and I are second cousins, one time remote. Um got it. So back in episode one of the podcast, I told a story about Carrie. And Carrie is your great-grandmother, right? Correct. Okay, so it's you and then your dad that everybody calls Tat, right? Yes. Okay, and then Tat's mother is Helen. Correct. And so Helen is your grandmother, and then Helen's mother was Julia, and her father was Robert Cowan. Correct. Okay. And Robert Cowen is the brother of my great-grandfather, Frederick Cowen. Oh gosh, okay. I know. And and Carrie is their mother. So actually, you and I are third cousins. Okay. Yeah. So your dad and my dad are second cousins. Got it. And Helen and my grandpa Fred are first cousins. Got it. And Robert and Frederick are brothers. That's so neat. And that's really neat. And Carrie is our great-great-grandmother.

Arlene Rome 4:58

Gotcha.

Childhood In Metairie And Sunday Gatherings

Crista Cowan 4:59

So what I would love to know first is a little bit about what life was like for you growing up in Louisiana.

Arlene Rome 5:09

I I think when I grew up in Mettery, which is right side out of New Orleans, it was really a perfect time to grow up in this area because it was just being developed, and kids had the freedom just to roam and play. So most of the days were outside playing in the street. We rode bikes. We both played jacks. I uh I can claim that I'm the best jack player in the whole entire family. No one can beat me because I that's all I did is play jazz as a kid. And um the family got together a lot. I mean, I can recall every Sunday there was a family gathering. If it wasn't at my parents' home, it was at Aunt Betty's home, which you've had the honor of meeting, who's now deceased. It was at my grandmother's home. So there was a tight family unit for the majority of my childhood until about 10. And that's when things started breaking down.

Crista Cowan 6:10

Yeah.

Arlene Rome 6:10

But I thought it was lovely. I mean, I have very fond memories of my childhood, which is sweet.

Crista Cowan 6:16

I love that. Now I know um hearing from cousin Catherine, all the stories, Aunt Carmel's daughter, Catherine, all the stories about how many of the family members moved around a lot. Did you guys move a lot or did you stay in the same house?

Arlene Rome 6:30

We stayed, um, we basically stayed in the same area. So we had one house that we grew up in that was in Mettery. And then when I was about 13, we moved again, but it was only like a mile and a half away. So it was very close. And then the the nice thing is both of my grandmothers, which were Helen Levy, which is part of your family, and my other side, Emily Mulassaw, they lived in what is now called Ometary, and they lived right around the corner from one another. So I could walk to their homes. If I was at one of them visiting, I could very easily just walk out the front door and walk to the other one's home, which I did often.

Crista Cowan 7:14

I love that. I love that. I my grandma's lived an hour apart. And so you know, they were walking distance. That's amazing. And did they know each other? Were they friendly or no?

Arlene Rome 7:25

They knew each other, and I do have one picture of um a gathering that was at Helen Levy's home, and it's such a valuable picture because my mother's in it, my uh grandmother Levy, Helen Levy's in it, and so is my grandmother, Malossom on the other side. So, to the best of my knowledge, that's the only picture where all three of them were together. And it looks like it was a Sunday afternoon. They're sitting out in the driveway in lawn chairs, and they're just the picture they're goofing off. I mean, you could really see that they were enjoying each other's company. One of them put a plate over her head, so but that's the only picture that I'm aware of where they're all three together, which I value extremely.

Grandmother Helen’s Style And Bond

Crista Cowan 8:12

I love that. I love that you have that treasure. So, so tell me what you remember about your grandmother Helen and her sisters, like Aunt Betty and Aunt Carmel and Aunt Bobby.

Arlene Rome 8:24

I my uh Helen Levy, I adored her and she adored me. What I remember about her is um she always had red lipstick on. She had her nails always done in red. She drove a red convertible. Um, she was hotsi totsey, and she was so much fun and so loving. And she would drive down, which airline, um, with the convertible top down and the music playing. And that's what she would do with me on a Sunday afternoon. She always played. It was the A-track, the A-track old time players that she had in her automobile. And she played all the time. And when I hear it, I recall it's like it just happened yesterday. Uh, these boots were made for walking. That do you remember that song? I mean, that's the Sinatra, yeah. Yes, that was her song. Uh, every time we got in the automobile, she would press that button and that song would go glaring and our hair would blow, and she would have her red nail polish on. I just thought she was absolutely beautiful. Uh, I just enjoyed every moment that I could possibly be around her.

Crista Cowan 9:42

Well, I love that. Now she only had two sons, so she didn't have any daughters, right?

Arlene Rome 9:47

No, and I was the first granddaughter.

Crista Cowan 9:49

Ah, there it is.

Arlene Rome 9:51

I was the first granddaughter. Uh so she had my father, Tat Rome, that was the oldest, and then she divorced uh his father, and then she remarried Douglas Levy Sr. And then they had a son, which was little Dougie. That's what we called him, and I called him Uncle Dougie. Uh, but yeah, so being that I was the only out of all the children that were born at that time, I was the only granddaughter. So, and to her eyes, I was she used to just brush my hair and do my nails and um always doing beauty stuff. She had a lot of allergies, and she always, and at that time, they didn't have the medical knowledge that they have today. So she always smelt like uh Bix 44 because she had seasonal allergies and she was always sneezing, and um, she would and she had a lot of skin issues because she loved to garden and she was allergic to it, so she had poison Aviolon. But I don't think at the time she knew that, but her skin was always itching, and she was always putting lotion that smelled so divine uh on her to sort of soften the itch.

Crista Cowan 11:07

Isn't that amazing how you can just think about something like the sound of a song or the smell of lotion and it just brings all those memories back?

Family Rift And Sneaking Visits

Arlene Rome 11:16

Oh, yeah, red lipstick will bring it back. Uh everything, I mean, everything about her, even though her time with me was so short of 12 years, the impact that she made on my life is pretty incredible. And how that impact is being passed on. She loved cats, and she had many, many cats inside and outside. And I have cats. Uh, my daughter has cats, my grandchildren, they have all grown up now in their own homes, and they all have cats. So it's really interesting how that just keeps going. And out of it's like cat, you know, none of us have dogs, but we all have cats.

Crista Cowan 12:00

So tell me a little bit about like there was some like you had this idyllic childhood and metary, and and I find that a little hard to believe because I've been to New Orleans in the summer, and I'm pretty sure the sun was trying to kill me. So I don't well, so um you mentioned that when you were younger, your your things in your family kind of started to fall apart or things got kind of messy and complicated. Tell us a little bit about that.

Arlene Rome 12:26

Yeah. I, you know, I don't know. I I think now looking back and just having a little bit more information by talking to some of the family members, is that um my adorable, precious grandmother, Helen Levy, didn't really like my mother, Gail Rome. And so there was always a discord and an uncomfortable feeling when those two were in a room together. And I something happened when I was around age nine, and they broke up per se. And they somewhat is how I feel as an adult, and even at that time, I was used as a weapon to punish my grandmother. And so up to being up to a certain point, I was at my grandmother Lady's house all the time, and I was always gone over there to go visit Aunt Betty and and Slidell, and then coming back home and staying with her, and then all of that stopped. The music stopped when I was about age nine, and I was not allowed to see my grandmother leaving, which just to this day that hurts extremely that the the family just disintegrated. So I didn't see Aunt Betty, I didn't see that whole side of the family after that point. Um, I didn't see my uncle, which was my uncle Dougie, um, my father's stepbrother. And it's very sad that you know, and I don't even know what actually happened. I just know that I was told that I could not go visit or see my grandma the lady.

Crista Cowan 14:16

Oh, that's heartbreaking. You told me that story when I visited last fall, and I just sat kind of in awe of that. And and hearing you tell it this way after having just shared your love for her is really great.

Arlene Rome 14:31

Yeah, it it was very and it it's impacted my life negatively and positive. The positive aspect of it is that I'm very involved with my grandchildren, and I don't use children as a weapon to get back at someone. Um, I I think, and they didn't have the knowledge, they didn't have the mental knowledge at that time. They were just surviving and doing the the best that they could. But it is very painful, even to this age, that uh I didn't get to see her as often as I wanted to.

Crista Cowan 15:09

So, did you just suffer in silence with that change as a child, or did you rebel or did you throw fits about it? Like what did that look like?

Arlene Rome 15:18

I was very silent. Uh, and since the two grandmothers lived so close to one another, if I was at my other grandmother's home, my grandmother in the lawsaw, which I was often, and at that time we had the freedom of going outside and spending the whole day wherever we wanted to go. And I would very often sneak over to see my grandmother leaving.

Crista Cowan 15:46

You are a silent little rebel, is what you were.

Arlene Rome 15:49

I was a silent rebel. So it as soon as I would get to my grandmother Melosaw's home, that was my first objective, is to figure it out when I could get out and escape to go see my grandmother leaving. She was always very open and willing, and it opened up her house and had ice cream and was just filled with joy when I would appear at her back door.

Crista Cowan 16:15

I love that. Um, and now you have a brother, right?

The Final Visit And Gifts

Arlene Rome 16:19

Yes, I had a brother, Wade Rome. He was um just 13, he was 18 months younger than I am, and he passed away in 2014. Okay. So sadly to say at this point, um, they're all gone. My mother passed away young, my father died, my brother died, both my grandmothers are deceased, and I'm out of that little family unit, I'm the last one standing. So it makes it very difficult now because I'm trying to put the family pieces together, but I don't have anyone to connect to to ask what happened here. And I have a picture and who is this? And tell me about them. That I didn't sit down with him, and I did try, but when I brought the photo album out, he was so emotional and he cried. And so I couldn't go any further with him. So I tried it twice, and the tears and the pain and the hurt that he had was too unbearable, and I just always thought I had tomorrow. So I said, okay, let's not do this now, let's come back to it. Not realizing that there wasn't time to go back to it. So I don't have the information that I wish I did.

Crista Cowan 17:45

That's heartbreaking. Well, when so when you were little, sneaking out from one grandma's house to the other, did Wade go with you or was it just you?

Arlene Rome 17:54

No, it was just me. Okay. It was just me. No, that secret I was keeping. I was not telling anyone. Uh, so I did not tell anyone except my best friend, and uh that's still my best friend, Susie Wood. She knew because her grandmother lived right around the corner, also. So at times I would say that I was going to Susie's grandmother, but I wasn't. I was going to my grandmother. So they were all so close. So it was very easy to navigate to get to my grandmother leaving.

Crista Cowan 18:30

Yeah.

Arlene Rome 18:31

And not get into trouble.

Crista Cowan 18:32

Oh my goodness. So this started when you were around eight or nine years old. Yes. And then how long that went on till you turned 12? You were 12 when she died, right?

News Of Helen’s Death And Aftermath

Arlene Rome 18:44

Yes, I was 12 when she died. And um just unexpectedly, I went to her home. I was at my friend's Susie, her my best friend's grandmother's home, which was right around the corner. And Susie didn't want to go with me originally to my grandmother's because you know how 12-year-olds are. I said, No, we're not going over there. We're playing ball out in the street. And I convinced Susie to go with me by the hardest. So we went to my grandmother's. Um, and I I didn't really knock on the door, I just sort of walked in. And she had, when you opened up the door, there were bells so that she would know someone was there. And the bells went off, and she got up out of the bed. Uh, she was very, very sick. She was very ill. How old was she at the time? She was 55. She was very young, early. Yeah, she was 55. Um, she was very sick, and but she did somewhat drag herself out of the bed. And I I didn't realize the severity of her illness or the and I didn't realize at that time I was young that that would have been the last time I would see her. But she basically said, I'm I'm really sick and I'm not feeling well, and I need to give you some things because if I don't give you these items, you will never get them. So she went around her home and she gave me the most treasurable gifts that, and I still have them. I mean, I treasure them. How they have survived all these years is beyond my comprehension. She gave me two photo albums, um, one of the family and then one of my father's uh birthing in his childhood. Uh, she gave me different things that I treasured in her home, music boxes that I used to go and listen to all the time. And they were today, that's unheard of, but they were cigarette boxes. She would put cigarettes in them and play the music, and cigarettes would roll out. So I would always put this pile up the cigarettes and then play the music, and then the cigarettes would just roll out of this precious wooden music box. Um, I was always in her bathroom, and there was a swan that she would utilize the soap, and when it got real small, she didn't throw it away. She would put it in this little swan, and then she would recreate the soap and uh to use it again. I know those days they didn't throw anything away. And oh, and the most and I forgot all about this till today when I was getting ready for to talk to you. She gave me uh my father's christening outfit that I have that Aunt Bobby, I think Aunt Bobby made it. And there was and there was a bunch of things that she gave me that I could not carry home by myself.

Crista Cowan 21:52

This little 12 year old girl.

Arlene Rome 21:56

Yes. So she basically I mean, she went around her home very quickly grabbing things to give to me. And to said, and she said, you know, I want you to have these things. And she apologized because she says, I would like to drive you back to Susie's grandmother, but I can't. I'm too sick. So Susie and I, she kissed me goodbye. She told me she loved me. And we walked out with all of these belongings that we couldn't even carry them all with each other. So what we did is that we walked like, you know, five steps and would put it down and then walk another five steps and go back and pick it up and then bring it back the five steps. And we did this all the way to Susie's grandmother's home. And then I was stuck with the situation. I couldn't bring it home because if I brought this home, my parents would know that I went over there. So I left it at Susie's grandmother's home. And slowly over time, piece by piece, I would go get it from Susie's grandmother's and then bring it back to my home and hide it so that my parents didn't know that I had all of these treasures. They they didn't know. So I'd hide them in the house.

Crista Cowan 23:24

Wow. How long after that visit to your grandma Helen did she pass?

The Hidden Albums And Their Journey

Arlene Rome 23:30

The next day. So she knew. She basically, because the items she gave me were a true treasure that people wouldn't let go of. Somehow she knew. And when she died at that time, I was still at my other grandmother's home. And I was, they had a my grandmother lived behind, which I don't know if you're aware of swagments. Uh it was a grocery store that was very prominent at that time. And I was in the back of the parking lot throwing a ball, a tennis ball, up against a wall. And an ambulance came by. And unbeknown to me at that moment in time, it was my grandmother in the ambulance. And then I went back into my grandmother Melanç home. And my father and my mother were there because they were having a family gathering. And I don't even recall the who came over, but I do remember hearing someone telling my father, your mom died uh today. And it was, it was a quick, it was a very quick notification from the time I was in the back throwing the ball up against the wall, into coming inside and hearing someone tell my father his mother had died. And he hadn't talked to his mother in a couple of years. So I it was very extremely emotional that his mom was gone. Wow. Did you guys participate in the funeral at all? They participated in the funeral. My father did not allow me to go to the funeral. Um, and so that was hurtful uh because I did want to go to the funeral, but that wasn't allowed. And I think maybe since I didn't go to the funeral, my grandmother's grave is uh in Metary, um at Garden of Memories, and my brother's buried there too. But over all the years, I've go and visit my grandmother Levy. I know where her gravesite is, and um, so even though she wasn't with me, as soon as I got in that automobile and I could drive, I was at the gravesite.

Crista Cowan 25:51

I love that. I've been to your grandmother's grave site. Oh, have you? I have. I went with my dad in the spring a couple years ago, and Catherine and Sharon and Marlene took us around to all the family grave sites and all the cemeteries in the Yeah, that's neat.

Arlene Rome 26:11

Yeah, because a lot of them uh are buried there in the garden of memories. Well, which is neat because now when I go, I just have my list and I can very quickly go visit the whole family unit uh because they're all in one place. Well, that's so neat that you also went to her gravesite.

Crista Cowan 26:28

Yeah, you know what? I I don't I'm sure you've probably listened to that first episode of the podcast about our great-great-grandmother. Yeah. Yeah. And it's so interesting to me like to get to know you better because for years, like I looked for your great your grandma Helen and her sisters. Like my grandfather sent me on that mission to find his cousins. And so I felt like I knew them, even though I didn't know anything about them. Like I had this sense of who they were, and I felt like I felt close to them. And so when I finally found the family on Facebook and connected with all the cousins, and then over the years, as I've developed these relationships with you all, it's just been so beautiful and meaningful to get to know who Helen and Betty and Carmel and Bobby really were and to hear these stories because I had this idea of them in my head and like this one little picture, and I wanted to know so much more. So you're filling in gaps for me just as much as it goes the other way for sure.

Nursing, Loss, And Being At Bedside

Arlene Rome 27:34

Well, and these women were so incredibly strong and just tenacious in surviving life, no matter what took place, and they stuck together. And I didn't, as I'm sort of going into family history and figuring out these women and what they were all about, I'm just having such a greater appreciation for what they went through. And Aunt Betty, no matter what was going on, if someone needed a place to stay, including my father, um, she opened up her home. Aunt Betty did not say no, to the best of my knowledge, to anyone. If they needed a home, she opened up, and no matter how many children were in that home, she took another one in. Because my father, Tat, lived with Aunt Betty. There was some controversy about that. He tell he told me that he lived with Aunt Betty, but uh cousin Catherine said that they didn't live together, they were right across the street. But Helen Levy, when she was divorcing uh her first husband and remarrying, she was MIA a little bit in Ted's life. And so I I believe Tat, my father, when he said he lived with Aunt Betty and he treasured that side of the family. He talked, he always, if you would mention anything about Aunt Betty or that side of the family, he always would brighten up and have a smile, and you knew those were good memories for him.

Crista Cowan 29:12

Yeah. And yeah, and yet he was willing to cut off that side of his family because of his relationship with your mom. Is that kind of what it was?

Arlene Rome 29:20

I think that's what happened. I you know, I think at some point he was put in a situation where he had to choose uh his mother or my mom. And my mom, out of the situation, won the battle for that time.

Crista Cowan 29:36

Yeah.

Arlene Rome 29:36

And it the family disintegrated after that.

Crista Cowan 29:42

So here you are, this 12-year-old who's lost your grandmother, and you've managed to squirrel away these treasures she gave you. Like and and you managed to keep hold of most of them or all of them?

Arlene Rome 29:54

You know, I don't even recall everything that she gave me at that point. And um, but yes, there are some things um that I have. I mean, the christening gown, it's sitting right here. That and I, you know, I want to know, I've got to figure out. I'm sure one of the sisters made this. So in the the baby book, my grandmother Helen Levy says christening gown from Aunt Bobby. So was Aunt Bobby the Saintress? Did she so I think this it was made from one of the sisters?

Crista Cowan 30:30

Well, Carrie was a seamstress, so that's how she supported herself before she got married because she was orphaned uh at a fairly young age and uh lived with her elderly grandparents. And so she supported herself as a seamstress, and then she got married finally and had children and was raising her family, and then her husband left her and she became a seamstress again, and that's how she supported herself and her teenage sons. And then uh years later, when uh Robert and Julia and and their four daughters, when Robert left them, Carrie went down with Julia back to New Orleans to raise those girls, and she went back to work, uh, which she was amazing as a seamstress to support those girls and raise them.

Arlene Rome 31:17

That's amazing. Well, and then after listening to your podcast, and I have this photo album with pictures of the family that I don't know who they are, and I just so regret that. I have lots of pictures of Carrie in here. So I don't know when we met, and I know that the family was very rapidly going through the pictures. If you had time to look at the the photo album, but she's in this photo album a lot, and I think I think uh your grandfather is too. They're on the first page, yeah.

Crista Cowan 31:55

Yeah, um, I had you had pictures of Carrie in that photo album that I had never seen before.

Arlene Rome 32:01

Yeah, I know. Isn't it a treasure?

Crista Cowan 32:03

It is.

Father’s Remarriage And Family Shock

Arlene Rome 32:04

I mean, to have uh the all those those sisters and their husbands and the uncles, it's all in this book. And my grandmother that created this book, and you could see that she spent an enormous amount of time and love creating this book and to make sure that I received the book even at that young age of 12. Now, this photo album book, I had it for years, and when my father found out that I had it, I want to say it's probably after 10 years, after I had been hiding it.

Crista Cowan 32:44

So you were an adult by the time he figured it out. Yeah, yeah.

Arlene Rome 32:48

Oh yeah, yeah, I didn't, I kept this a very um secret because I didn't want anyone to take it away. And so, no, I hid it. And but when my father did find out that I did have the photo albums, he requested to have the one that was all of his grandmother's and his uncles and stuff like that. And I gave it to him because I had two, and so I figured, you know, I'll give him one. So he hung on to this photo album public for a good 20 years. Oh wow. And and then there was a discord between my father and I, because my mother died, and then he remarried, and so my brother and I went to one side, and my father just sort of disappeared, and we didn't have any interaction with him. But in 2014, when my brother died, my brother's last dying wish was he wanted to see his father, and so my father did come to the bedside, um, and he did get to see my brother before he died, and um which was very touching. And and that was hard. I couldn't even when my father, I hadn't seen him in 20 years, and when my father came into the room, I couldn't emotionally stay there. I had to leave. I just emotionally it was just too much for me because I knew my brother was dying. He had pancreatic cancer. Um, and so and I knew that my father had the photo album, and so I rekindled that relationship with my father, um, which was very kind and rewarding. And I'm glad that I had that time with me until he died, passed away last year. And I didn't I didn't pick this up, I did not pick it up, probably about four months before his death. He came out of his bedroom, his office. He always had an office in all the homes that we that he ever lived in. And um, he gave me the photo album back. And I didn't I did not put it together that he was gonna die soon. He gave me the photo album. I I teared up because now it was back into my hands and my treasure. Oh, and and then a couple of months later he died. And he probably, you know, there's a strong possibility that if he wouldn't have given it to me, I wouldn't have gotten it.

Crista Cowan 35:27

Yeah.

Arlene Rome 35:28

Um yeah. Yeah.

Crista Cowan 35:31

So how old were you when your mom died?

Arlene Rome 35:34

I was 27.

Crista Cowan 35:36

Okay. So it was And were your parents together the whole time, or did they oh yeah, or did they split up? Okay.

Arlene Rome 35:44

No. No, my parents were um, my mother adored my father to nauseating. I mean, everything was Tat, Tat, Tat. If Tat basically said we're all gonna drink milk for dinner, we all drank milk for dinner. She adored that man with everything inside of her. And um, so it was a hard death because she had lung cancer and she was sick for about a year and three months. Uh, and it would, and at that time, chemo was terrible. She smoked, uh, and it was a hard death. But my father stood by her. I mean, he was he was at the bedside all the time. And the one thing, and I don't know how this has happened. I was at the bedside when my mother died. I was at the bedside when my brother died, and I was at the bedside when my father died. So I was given the gift to be at all three of their bedsides when they basically passed on. Yeah. And that was very special.

Crista Cowan 36:52

And aren't you a nurse?

Arlene Rome 36:54

I am.

Crista Cowan 36:54

Yeah, I thought so. Yeah.

Choosing Sides And Long Estrangement

Arlene Rome 36:57

I became a nurse after my mom died. Um, I didn't go to nursing school right after high school. Uh, but when my mom was sick, I felt so inadequate that I didn't have the knowledge base and to take care of her. I knew nothing. I knew, and I just I regretted that. And so that's how I went to nursing school because she was sick. And I wanted the knowledge base to be able to assist um with people that are sick. And yeah, hospice is usually is sort of my forte. I don't, I only work for hospice for a short period of time, but I'm basically if family members are passing, I can go to that bedside and um handle that passing on and assist them to where they need to go. So I'm not afraid of it.

Crista Cowan 37:52

Yeah. Well, it sounds like you've you had some personal experience to lean on. Yeah.

Arlene Rome 37:58

Yeah. The only one I wasn't at the bedside is my grandmother, Malosa. And I still to this day regret it because I was at the hospital and I directly asked the physician, Do you think she's gonna pass? And he says, Well, let's not go there yet. And she died that night and I had gone home.

Crista Cowan 38:18

Dang it.

Arlene Rome 38:18

So if I would have just stayed. So now I've just learned if I have that feeling, I just did. Like with my father, I just stayed the whole week. Yeah, it's like life is there's nothing more important than to be at their bedsides when they're crossing over.

Crista Cowan 38:34

Yeah, that's beautiful. What a gift you have, it sounds like that's amazing. Um so after your so you and your father were not estranged then until after your mom died.

Arlene Rome 38:48

Correct. My mom, when my mom died, um, he remarried. And that remarriage caused the little family breakup. And so probably a year, two years after he remarried, um, my brother and I stepped aside.

Crista Cowan 39:08

How quickly did he remarry?

Arlene Rome 39:10

I think it was about a year. It was quick.

Crista Cowan 39:13

That's quick.

Arlene Rome 39:13

Yeah, it was quick.

Crista Cowan 39:15

It was quick. Are you okay telling that story? Is that yeah, because like it's someone he knew and someone you knew, right? That he married.

Arlene Rome 39:24

Yes. Um, he married my mother's best friend always as a child, and as an adult, was always at the house uh with her children. She had five children.

Crista Cowan 39:39

Oh goodness.

Arlene Rome 39:40

Yeah, she had a lot, she had she had children, and the children were always at the house also. Um, and she was just somewhat considered a a daughter to the family. She had also friends with my grandmother Malasson. And so it was just one big happy family, which I thought because I was young. And um the as the years went by, it was identified that she had a child by my grandfather. They called him Bunnel Boy. He was uh part of the racetrack, and they called him Bunnel Boy because when he was younger, he used to deliver uh the newspapers, and that's how he got the nickname Bunnel Boy. So they had a child together.

Crista Cowan 40:30

And was he still married to your grandmother molasso at the time?

Reconnection, Returning The Album

Arlene Rome 40:34

Okay, yes, they were still married. Um and so, yes, and it was my mom's best friend, and we had Thanksgiving dinner, and um, I played with her children. It was just one big happy unit. When the child that was born, it was very quickly identifiable that that was my grandfather's child. So my brother and myself called it to my mom's attention. Uh, and we said, She looks a lot like you, mom. And we were scolded. We were scolded big time for saying that. How old were you?

Crista Cowan 41:16

How old were you when that happened?

Arlene Rome 41:18

Seven or eight.

Crista Cowan 41:19

Okay. So this is around the same time that the the breakup with the other side of the family is happening.

Arlene Rome 41:25

Yep. Oh, mess messy. Yeah, yeah. It it really was. So my you know, my brother and I would talk about it, but we did not ever bring it up to my mom. Well, when my mom was dying on her deathbed, she told us. And it all came out at that point. But it was, I mean, we all knew it anyhow. I mean, it wasn't anything she was telling us that we didn't know. And then shortly after, um, Bunnelboy had already died, and so, and uh, at this point, my father starts dating and marries her. And so that's when it caused a little strive in the family unit, where we none of us would accept that. And so my brother and I went to one side, and my father went to that side of the family and created a whole family unit and her five children, and became very close and intuite into that side of the family.

Crista Cowan 42:35

And I tell you tell it so matter-of-factly, and yet in my brain, all I'm hearing is this man married his father-in-law's mistress and is now the stepfather to his dead wife's half-sister. Like, like that's the relationships here. It's no wonder you were upset. Um, and and you think about that, and well, yeah. Um so when you say you went to one side, was your grandmother molasso still alive at this time or had she passed as well?

Arlene Rome 43:11

No, she was still alive.

Crista Cowan 43:12

So when you say you went to one side of the family, you've been cut off from the cowan side of the family from childhood. Now you're cut off from your dad, and and the woman who was your mother's best friends.

Arlene Rome 43:26

Yes, who was always at the house. Yes.

Crista Cowan 43:28

And your mom's dead, your grandparents are dead. It's really now just you and your brother.

Becoming The Family Archivist

Arlene Rome 43:33

Yes. And my grandmother, Malossa, who was still living. Uh um, funnel boy, you know, it was her husband that was having this affair, and she was still living. So, and she basically came on our side. She did not, she never, never admitted that there was an affair going on. Um, but she knew it. Yeah, she knew it. She knew it. But she never admitted it. So when had my father married, um, she didn't want to have anything to do with my father, and it all broke up again.

Crista Cowan 44:11

Yeah.

Arlene Rome 44:11

So the family unit that I had that I thought was disintegrated again. Um, and so we went to one side and my father went to them.

Crista Cowan 44:23

So you had to overcome not just your animosity towards your dad, but you had to deal with her while you were watching him die. Yes. Yeah. And they wonder, no wonder he gave you the photo album.

Arlene Rome 44:36

Yeah.

Crista Cowan 44:36

Because she would have ended up with it, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Arlene Rome 44:40

Now after his death, uh, she was extremely very gracious in allowing me to go through my father's uh belongings. And she said, you know, take whatever you want, um, which was very gracious considering the the history and everything else. And I did I did appreciate that.

Crista Cowan 45:00

So so you and your brother, and then you lose your grandmother, but you have you have a daughter.

Arlene Rome 45:08

Yeah, you just have the one child. I have one daughter, okay. One daughter, Tiffany. And how many grandkids? I have three.

Crista Cowan 45:17

Okay.

Arlene Rome 45:18

So basically, Tiffany has given me three absolutely uh wonderful grandchildren that I completely adore. And but I had a good, my grandmother Levy taught me how to be a grandmother. And so I use all of her strategies and relationships and everything that she taught me in those few years that she was in my life. And uh, so I have Alex, Alexandra is what she wants to be called now. Uh, she's the oldest, she's 27, and then there's Zach, who's um 22, and then there's Madeline that's um 19. I had to think because they they they get old so quickly, and it's like, how old are you? Um so I do um have a very tight relationship with all three of them, and I don't use them as a weapon. I don't know what goes on. They are not used as a weapon at all. Because I was definitely used as a weapon, yeah.

Crista Cowan 46:16

Uh well, I'm sorry that that was your experience, but it sounds like you learned what you needed to learn.

Arlene Rome 46:23

You know, it's it's um you you just there's been many, many years of sorting through it and looking at it at the different angles and working through it and trying to understand what they were going through and treasuring the positive things that I received from it and the gifts in some sort of way, I am the family heirloom porter. So I oh, I don't I I have to organize this stuff because I have stuff from Helen Levy, my grandmother-in-law song, my mom, my brother, my father, her and my grandmother, her, her mother, and her grandmother. So if something happens to me, no one knows what all of this stuff is. So I'd I'd have to spend some time organizing and taking pictures so that I can pass it on and they know what this is. Because they would look at this christening gown and basically say, I don't know what this is, sell it. So they have to, I have to get this information from me to the family so that they can treasure it.

Cousin Collaboration And Closing

Crista Cowan 47:32

Yeah, wow. Well, in spite of your messy family upbringing, the fact that you have such a depth of feeling for and connection to not just your children and grandchildren and future great-grandchildren, and you're already thinking about them, obviously, and thinking about how to preserve this stuff for them, but you still have a connection to Louisiana. And I got to meet you because you live there.

Arlene Rome 47:57

Yeah, that was so that was such a treat. And I don't know if you're aware, but the four sisters, um, Sharon has put it together that we're getting together to try to figure out the family history. So we had a meeting, which was so intriguing to sit down at the table with all of those ladies. Uh, I walked away and it was like, oh my gosh, the strength and the intensity that these ladies have to survive. And so I'm hoping that they'll continue on because I did uh get a lot of family information.

Crista Cowan 48:35

Well, Arlene, I could talk to you for hours and hours. We'll have to do this again when we're not being recorded for the podcast.

Arlene Rome 48:42

I even forgot that we're being recorded. So uh but it was such an honor to basically get this story out because up to basically maybe the past after my father died, I didn't tell anyone that story. So no one knew that I had these belongings and that how I were was able to see my grandmother the day before she died, where she so graciously gave me all this stuff, and I just I didn't tell anyone.

Crista Cowan 49:15

Well, I am honored. I am honored that you shared this story with me when I visited in the fall. I am honored that you were willing to come and share it with all of us here.

Arlene Rome 49:23

Oh, well, thank you. This was just a a treat, and uh I love listening to your podcast. Uh they're they're basically I get to uh put the pieces together and the puzzle of who's who and the family members, and they're very intriguing. So thank you for what you do. Studio sponsored by Ancestry.