Nidel Day: 0:02

My mother was very subdued, very cool, calm, collected lady and just a lady all the time. Well, I wasn't exactly like that. I was kind of a spitfire when I was young and I liked to joke and everybody laughs and all about when I was younger. Growing up, I think I was like him, you know, because he was pretty tough.

Crista Cowan: 0:28

Stories that Live In Us is a podcast that inspires you to form deep connections with your family, past, present and future. I'm Crista Cowan, known online as The Barefoot Genealogist. I've spent my whole life discovering the power of family history, and I know that sharing the stories that live in you can change everything. If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know my producer, Lisa. Back in the fall, we talked about our Mayflower connection. Well, today we have a special treat. Her mother, Nidel, is joining us, and she is going to share with us her story about growing up and then a little DNA discovery that Lisa made along the way. Well, thank you for being here. I was so excited to have this conversation with you. I've known you for a few years, but not well, and so I would love to hear a little bit about how you got into family history.

Nidel Day: 1:26

Okay, I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and at that time they used to talk a lot about genealogy work and it was really popular in that era of time and I was always curious about if I was related to any famous people. So I started writing letters to postmasters all over the United States and I would send them and say if there's anybody in your town with this last name, this surname, could you please hand them this letter? So I wrote dozens and dozens of letters and it was really fun because I used to look forward to going to the mailbox to find a letter in the mail from a postmaster saying yes or no, and a few times it was really good news. So it was just fun and I just enjoyed it. I always just enjoyed the whole thing about genealogy work and your relatives and maybe because I didn't have very many relatives I didn't have any brothers and sisters that I knew of- so you were an only child.

Crista Cowan: 2:36

Tell me a little bit about growing up.

Nidel Day: 2:39

Well, when I was very young I used to love to go across the street to the school I went to. I lived right across the street and I used to love to roller skate, ride bikes, play on the gym and I also enjoyed dancing. I remember the little girl across the street. She used to be dancing all the time in the front lawn and I said why are you always dancing? And she said because I go to dance school. So I remember running home and telling my mom I want to go, I want to do what she does, I want to join that. So she put me into that. And I just remember a lot of different fun things like Halloween was always fun. We'd dress up and we would be able to go around the neighborhood without our parents because it was pretty safe back then.

Crista Cowan: 3:32

So no, siblings, were your parents, tell me about your parents.

Nidel Day: 3:36

So my mom she was very active woman. She was very much of a leader, very active woman. She was very much of a leader and she would do things like be in charge of a huge modeling show and she was like the supervisor on electronic equipment. A lot of people worked for her under her. So she was always a leader and I got that from her. I think that I always liked to be the leader and my father was a sheriff and he also was a public certified public accountant and a little grouchy, but he was, he did a good job.

Nidel Day: 4:29

Okay, and your parents how old were you when your parents divorced? I believe I was still in grammar school, okay, so I would have probably been like in the sixth grade, maybe. Yeah, I think I was in the sixth grade and did either of them ever remarry or have other children? Yes, my father at the time, delbert he, okay, he actually married my next father's wife. Does that make sense? It doesn't. I'm going to need you to explain that, okay. So, so my mother met a gentleman by the name of Ed, okay, and she married him. And my dad went and looked up his ex-wife Ed's ex-wife, yes and married her Out of spite. Out of spite. Oh goodness, yeah, okay, so that did not last.

Crista Cowan: 5:29

Did either of those relationships last.

Nidel Day: 5:33

The general Ed. My mother married lasted for quite a while, okay, but they eventually were divorced.

Crista Cowan: 5:40

Tell me about your mom. What was?

Nidel Day: 5:43

her life like. She was raised in Spokane, washington, and she didn't have a really good childhood. Her mother was a maid in a hotel and they used to have to sleep in one room, all of them. They were poor, they didn't have a lot. She didn't have a lot. Did she have a lot of siblings? She had two brothers, older, younger yeah, older and they gave her a hard time. She was born, she was in World War II when she was a teenager. It was World War II and it was not a good time. They were all, she told me. They were scared all the time. They always thought the enemy was going to come over and they would all die. That's basically what she said.

Crista Cowan: 6:36

It was very unsettling and so, yeah, Well and living in a West Coast state.

Nidel Day: 6:43

Yeah.

Crista Cowan: 6:44

Was Spokane a military town? There was some type of military going on there, yeah, and living in a West Coast state? Yeah, was Spokane a military town?

Nidel Day: 6:46

There was some type of military going on there.

Crista Cowan: 6:49

yes, Well, lisa, you're here with your mom. Tell us a little bit about how you got involved in family history. I know you touched on that the first time you were on the show, but with your mom here, I think there's a little bit of an interesting story.

Lisa Elzey: 7:03

I know my mom is to blame for all of my family history obsessions, so I love it when I was eight. So my parents joined the LDS church in 1977. So I was five, so now everybody can know my age. And there was a big, strong family history push in the 70s. Roots had come out so it was popular culturally. Uh, the church was very, you know, involved in saying let's research, there's family history library, there's just so many things about family history. And I remember my mom sitting at our big dining room table.

Lisa Elzey: 7:38

Remember that big table, uh, and um, big like dark brown wood table and she had everything spread out, like all the papers and books of remembrance and letters, and and I just thought it was so fascinating and she was so excited about it, so I wanted to know what it was. And so she was telling me what it was and I said I want to help, I want to fill out a form. And so she gave me a family group sheet to fill out and she said, okay, dad's name goes here and his birthday and my name goes here. And so she gave me a family group sheet to fill out and she said, okay, dad's name goes here and his birthday and my name goes here.

Lisa Elzey: 8:08

And then your sister, you know, just kept telling me all the things and I knew most of the things I didn't know where mom was born, and so that was that's where I learned at eight years old that my mom was born in a place called Kermit, texas, which, as a fan of the Muppets, I thought was kind of awesome. That she was born in Kermit, texas and and I thought Texas, but I knew she spent it, was raised in California, like she was raised in Redwood City, went to Sequoia High School, like I knew she was a California girl, so that was weird and so I didn't understand that. I had questions and then filled out you know, my dad and my sister and I, so that was my first entrance into family history and I have that very family group sheet on my wall right next to my computer at work, because it reminds me every day kind of my origins, of family history and how it all kind of started.

Crista Cowan: 9:01

Yeah, I love that. I love that. You're the reason why here started.

Nidel Day: 9:06

Yeah, yeah, I love that. I love that you're the reason why here. Yeah, it's all your fault. It's really interesting that people tell you you know your children always kind of follow what you do and I see that with the genealogy and she's big, she's head and shoulders above what I ever did. But it was just interesting that she took such a liking to it and just a love of it and I see that she's amazing. A liking to it and just a love of it, and I see that she's amazing.

Lisa Elzey: 9:29

She is amazing. I love you, mom. And also I didn't have to write letters to postmasters, so let's, I mean you were like the OG, the original family historian. I mean I don't know if I could have the patience that my mom had. Today I'm in a very my mom knows this.

Crista Cowan: 9:41

I'm not a patient person.

Lisa Elzey: 9:43

So I respect the you know things that got us to where we are today. Now we can go into Ancestry, we can go to FamilySearch, we can go into an archive easily. Things are digitized.

Nidel Day: 9:55

When you were doing it, it was a lot harder.

Lisa Elzey: 9:57

But I do remember you being excited about getting the mail.

Nidel Day: 9:59

Oh yeah, and you too, you used to run to the mailbox.

Lisa Elzey: 10:08

I wanted to go get it and see if it came, and I kind of knew what to look for. Right, it was a self-addressed stamped envelope that she'd sent, and I knew my mom's handwriting, and so I'd be like whoa, it's a letter, and I'd come running in and give it to you.

Nidel Day: 10:15

I do remember one thing that was so, so unique Some cousin, when I sent a letter to the postmaster, worked and he said boy, this is your lucky day.

Lisa Elzey: 10:27

Yeah, that's right. He was very glib about it Like this is your lucky day because I know exactly who to give this to. So anyway, it was a lot of fun watching just all of that develop and you know kind of unfold and she was collecting it all and it had this big suitcase. I still have that suitcase yeah it's that cream suitcase with the little right things.

Lisa Elzey: 10:48

Oh yeah, 1950s yeah, I can hear the sound it makes yeah, and I still have that suitcase, um, and there's stuff that you know I keep it in there and anyway. So yeah, all the things and I still have some of the letters too, so oh yeah, for sure there she made sure I didn't throw them away, definitely.

Crista Cowan: 11:07

Going to have to digitize that. Yeah for sure. So. So, Nigel, you started, you know, in the early days with all the letter writing and the microfiche moving around, right, microfilm scrolling, and I mean just oh yeah, it was a really labor intensive experience. And now, lisa, you've been in family history for, you know, almost two decades professionally and you have this technology available to you. That makes it so much easier. I sometimes feel guilty. How much easier it is.

Lisa Elzey: 11:39

Yeah totally, I totally do too, but I did do that, I did the microfilm. I'm old enough to have done that. So I feel like a little bit earned my stripes a little bit, but yeah, for sure.

Crista Cowan: 11:49

But now, in 2012, dna technology came on the scene and that has changed the face of family history again. Right, the computer changed it, the internet changed it, now DNA has changed it, and so when DNA first started, when Ancestry first started doing DNA testing, you decided to test who in your family.

Lisa Elzey: 12:09

So I tested myself first, but then I learned which. I didn't know this until I got into family history, more especially DNA. You want to test your oldest generations first, because that gets you closer to the DNA discoveries, right? So at that time my grandma was alive, my mom's mom and my parents. So I tested all three, I tested my parents and my grandma, and I'm like we're going to find out some stuff and it's gonna be great.

Lisa Elzey: 12:33

And they were all in, they took it and I got the results and there was like oh look, we're Irish, you know, we're German. My mom said we're German, you know, and a little bit, a little smattering here and there of some trace things that you're like I don't know what that is, but the majority of all the ethnicity was pretty spot on. And then I kind of didn't look at it again for a while because I if anyone knows it's like the shoemakers kids, right. How long, goodness, that's a really good question. I would say years, meaning that I didn't go into my matches a whole lot, you know, because my mom and I had done the tree and my dad's tree too. We did my dad's side and we had it pretty far back.

Nidel Day: 13:13

Yeah, we did, we had like Mayflower Ancestry.

Lisa Elzey: 13:16

on your side we had a couple of brick walls on my dad's yeah, a president relationship.

Nidel Day: 13:20

So it did work out.

Lisa Elzey: 13:25

I think you found something famous. So I just felt like I knew my tree and I didn't want to go in and dive and do all the matching because I knew how much work that was and I just hadn't done it yet. And so I didn't do it until a new product from Ancestry came out.

Crista Cowan: 13:40

Yeah, so. So it's really interesting because you take a DNA test and you get your ethnicity results and Ancestry updates those every year and I think a lot of us we just go in and check the updated ethnicity. But that match list is really where the genealogy gold is.

Crista Cowan: 13:59

It really is, and there weren't as many tools and it required a lot of work. Yes, and then, all of a sudden, yeah, ancestry started innovating with through lines and custom match groups and all sorts of little tools that started to come out to make working with your DNA match list easier, and I think you and I were preparing for RootsTech.

Lisa Elzey: 14:19

We were. It was RootsTech and it was a new technology. It was called Genetic Commun. It was a new technology. It was called genetic communities technology with ancestry, and what it did was your ethnicity is roughly about the last thousand years or so of your genetic inheritance, which I'm not telling you anything. You don't know, but for those listening, that's your ethnicity estimates, roughly about a thousand years. So if you see Sweden in there and you're like I don't have any Swedish ancestors, you might a thousand years ago. So that's what the ethnicity estimate was.

Lisa Elzey: 14:45

What the genetic community technology did was it broke it down into migration patterns or places that your family settled or live for an extended amount of time, for about the last 300 years. So it brought your DNA story that much closer to you and to your family history, which meant this we're talking like second and third grade grandparent, close right, and so that's interesting to me because I can find those people. If I have a community listed, I can go and see oh well, where are the people that lived in that community. So that technology came out. We were preparing for RootsTech and we were learning all about it so we could then teach people how to use it.

Crista Cowan: 15:23

At the conference, yeah, and so some late nights, you and I trying to learn the technology, trying to put together the presentations for the conference, and you went into your, your results or your mom's results.

Lisa Elzey: 15:35

So yeah, so it was after the conference actually. So I learned I was doing all the things and telling people how great it was, and I had someone come up to me and saying, why do I even care about this? And I was like, wow, okay, that's a question, and and so I was telling her all about why matches were so great and why this technology is so great, and she kind of bought it. But then at the same time I was like maybe I need to go dive into my own matches so I can have some personal experiences in working with the product, not just everyone else. So that night or that next day actually in working with the product, not just everyone else.

Lisa Elzey: 16:06

So that night or that next day, actually the whole day, I just stayed in bed because I was exhausted from Rooster and I stayed in bed and I just worked on my matches and I thought, well, I'll just go to my mom's first, because I know my mom's tree. So let's go look at my mom's matches, get them sorted out into the communities, blah, blah, blah. So I went into the communities and that's where all the surprises began. So you want me to go into that? Yeah, your first surprise was what my first surprise was my mom's very first genetic community. I think I've told you, this mom, that it was Quebec settlers. Yeah, we don't have any French people in our tree.

Lisa Elzey: 16:40

We don't have any Quebec. My mom has no Canadian people in our family tree. We have German from Delbert's side and from Grandma's side too, mostly all German, german and then English on Claude Felder's side and Swiss. Anyway, we knew our tree and I was like, okay, we have this.

Lisa Elzey: 16:57

And it wasn't just Quebec, it had sub-communities that pinpointed, like St Lawrence River, like right in this little spot, and I immediately thought what probably a lot of people think, like oh, ancestry got it wrong, like this is totally wrong, like I don't know what happened with the technology, but this isn't right. And so I thought, oh no, you know what it is. I probably didn't extend one of the lines far enough, like I didn't find something. So I immediately was like, okay, well, the best way to figure this out is to go look at the matches right and see what the matches are telling me. Well, I knew all the close matches, like some of the people that were first cousins and things like that. So I went to the second cousin range to go start seeing if I could figure out how they're related to my mom. And that's where the story kind of kicked off.

Nidel Day: 17:41

Yeah.

Lisa Elzey: 17:41

So it was definitely a way like excuse me moment, like where's? Quebec coming from so yeah.

Crista Cowan: 17:49

Did you contact your mom right away or did you have like? Did you sit in the confusion?

Lisa Elzey: 17:55

I kind of sat in the confusion and then I was like Mom, the craziest thing it's telling us we have French ancestors and I took French in college and in high school and my mom knows how much I love French food and so she made a joke about how like, oh, maybe it's some long lost French ancestor, you know, because she knows that I love French. And she had 1% French in her DNA results, which could be a trace of anything, right? So yeah, I think I mentioned it to her, but she didn't.

Nidel Day: 18:19

We didn't really discuss it very much. No, no.

Lisa Elzey: 18:25

So I just kind of went on my own to kind of see if I could figure out. And boy did I figure some things out.

Crista Cowan: 18:28

You did so you had a second cousin match.

Lisa Elzey: 18:30

that was probably the key to the there were two, yeah, there were two second cousin matches that didn't match each other. So I knew that they're on either side of some part of my mom's tree, right, because they didn't match each other, and found the second cousins. Looked at the tree and none of that tree looked familiar to me, none of that second cousin. I'm like, ok, second cousin means you share a great grandparent, like that. I knew my great grandparents, I knew all their names, I knew. I researched them with my mom my whole life, and so I was like something's weird. Oh, maybe they're adopted or something. I thought OK. So then I went to the other second cousin match, same problem Don't know any of those great-grandparents.

Nidel Day: 19:12

Nothing was coming up, nothing was making sense at all, right.

Lisa Elzey: 19:14

So then I figured out, okay, the common ancestor. On this one second cousin match. The common ancestor's last name was Lounsbury, in Allward.

Nidel Day: 19:24

I love that name, lowndesbury, and all word. The second I love that name it's really. It sounds sophisticated, yeah it sounds very posh.

Lisa Elzey: 19:31

And then the other side of the tree was Riley, so I don't have any of those names in my family tree. And then there was no French, so I didn't understand what was going on. So everything was mixed up and I figured I knew it had to be on my mom's dad's side, so my grandpa Delbert, because your grandmother had tested Right and she didn't match any of these people.

Lisa Elzey: 19:51

No, exactly my grandmother had tested and none of these matches were hers, so it had to be my grandpa Delbert's side. So all of a sudden, I was like is my grandpa adopted? Like I thought I thought grandpa Claire was adopted. Yeah, you told me this. Yeah, I'm like Mom, your dad might have been adopted, mom's like. I don't think so. She looks just like his parents. Yeah, definitely. So I was just confused. And what do you do when you're confused? You phone a friend. So I phoned you. Yes, I remember.

Nidel Day: 20:19

She did, and you're the one that kind of brought the whole thing to light.

Crista Cowan: 20:23

Well, you know what I think sometimes, especially when it's our own family, especially when we're so invested, our own bias comes in right, like we don't want to think that there's something wrong with our family, more wrong than you know all families that are messy. But I think you know. Yeah, you called me and you're like I think my grandpa's adopted and you were showing me the evidence you'd collected and the matches and the trees that you'd built for them and I had to kind of nudge you past your bias.

Lisa Elzey: 20:53

You're so sweet, nudge me. You pushed me off a cliff. No, you gently said, lise, I think you need to go down another generation.

Nidel Day: 21:03

Yeah, and I was like wait what. Yeah.

Lisa Elzey: 21:11

And she had to say it again. Yeah, because I didn't quite understand what you're saying and you're like perhaps he's not your mom's dad and you had to say it that plainly for me to really understand, because the math wasn't, as we say, mathing. The math wasn't mathing right for my grandpa to be adopted. So it looked like biologic and I knew my mom wasn't adopted because her mom was her mom and her DNA matches. So that meant Delbert was not your biological dad. Now, I didn't want to tell my mom that because I remember yeah, well, you didn't know that, I didn't know.

Nidel Day: 21:44

Tell you yeah later. Yeah, but you were nervous. You were so nervous.

Lisa Elzey: 21:51

Yes, I, yeah later. Yeah, but you were nervous. You were so nervous. Yes, I was because I didn't want to be wrong and I'm not saying that you were wrong, but I'm like I need to prove this theory out first. So what you told me to do, very wisely again, because when it's this close to you it's just a little foggy, like I remember just being like that was never even in my thoughts when you knew your grandfather I knew him, I grew up with him.

Lisa Elzey: 22:09

My grandpa claire, like I, have very fond memories of going out and feeding the deer. We lived in paradise, california, and we do our vegetable scraps in the pie tin and we go put it out on the path so the deer could like. I had some good memories and you named, and you named your daughter after him yes, my, my daughter's and my mom's maiden name was claire, so my daughter's middle name is Claire. And that's so. Yes, and I mean, he was grouchy Grandpa.

Nidel Day: 22:30

Claire was grouchy. I said that in a joking manner. No, but he was. He was a little bit, but he's also World War Two, that's right. And he went has gone through a lot.

Lisa Elzey: 22:38

He was on a B-17 bomber in the Pacific, he'd been through a lot so but I loved him and he loved me and anyway. So it was hard. So I I wanted to prove it out before I brought my mom into it. And one of the ways I could prove it out first let me go back. So you said to me, lisa, go look for a marriage between Lounsbury and Riley, and I'm like okay, bye, and I hung up.

Nidel Day: 23:05

I did.

Lisa Elzey: 23:05

I'm like I'll call you right back and I, you know, just like naively thinking I'm just going to find this right now. Well I did, I'm like I'll call you right back and I just like naively thinking I'm just going to find this right now. Well I did. Because I did and found it in five minutes, and I found a Harold Lounsbury marrying a Doris Riley. Then I immediately went to the 1940 census because the 50 census was not available yet, and I went to the 40 census and they had a son, harold Lounsbury Jr. There was no other option for who the birth dad could be. So I think I looked it out and I thought I was staring at my mom's birth father.

Nidel Day: 23:35

Harold Lounsbury. That's amazing.

Lisa Elzey: 23:37

It was kind of crazy, but I still didn't want to tell my mom because I wasn't sure. So I had to do just one last thing.

Nidel Day: 23:44

Well, you were also afraid that it would hurt me or something. Yeah, I just don't want to hurt you and grandma was still alive at the time.

Lisa Elzey: 23:50

So here's the thing. That's crazy my grandma is still alive, like I could just have gone to my grandma and go, grandma, tell me what's going on. Granted, she was like 92, 90 years old, so she had a little bit of dementia going.

Nidel Day: 24:04

But I just could have asked her. But I didn't want to hurt anybody.

Lisa Elzey: 24:06

I wanted to make sure I was confident in what it was and I didn't want to overturn the apple cart, as they say, too much. Because when you find out new things like this, I mean people that are listening, that have had these experiences know it can really upturn a whole family. Right, and this is my own family and I mean I love my Grandpa Claire, but I also want to know the truth, right, I, my grandpa Claire, but I also want to know the truth, right, I want to know what's what the truth is. So my last thing that I did before I thought I'd approached my mom is I tested her first cousin, that's Delbert's sister's daughter. Yeah, right, delbert's sister's daughter. So, and I said, hey, do you want to take a test?

Nidel Day: 24:44

Yeah, she's like, yeah, I'm like okay great.

Lisa Elzey: 24:46

So I set her a test, I paid for it and she took a test and I was like, okay, and those were the longest six weeks of my life waiting to see, because I knew if your cousin did not match you, that would confirm you are not Delbert's daughter, which made perfect sense, right? But if it did come back matching, then I'd be like, oh goodness, I have to go back. So I was waiting and in those six weeks I was researching Harold and his family, just so I had some information to share. And sure enough, when you look at Harold's ancestry, harold Lounsbury's ancestry, you go back to his great grandmother. She's from Quebec.

Lisa Elzey: 25:21

So there was the French Canadian that I didn't know where it was, and there it was. Well, I always wanted to be French. I know, mom, we're kind of bougie, like that. Dad always says we have champagne tastes on a seven up budget. You got that right. So there, everything was lining up. I just needed that last piece of evidence to really, you know, say you need to talk to your mom. And I decided to talk to you mom too, because I wanted you to decide if you wanted to approach your mom. And I decided to talk to you, mom, because I wanted you to decide if you wanted to approach your mom.

Nidel Day: 25:52

I remember you calling me saying could you come over? I have some really important things to talk to you about.

Lisa Elzey: 25:59

And I had to preface it and say nothing's wrong. Yeah, all right, sure, I'll be right over, so he. So I had my dad come with my mom and I made a PowerPoint presentation.

Crista Cowan: 26:11

Of course you did. Tell me about this experience, mandel, you show up, you went to Lisa's house, I did. Ok, I did.

Nidel Day: 26:20

And I could tell she was really troubled. You know, she was just kind of on edge. And then she said Mom, sit down. And I sat down and said Okay, I have something to tell you and I hope this will be okay. And she said your father isn't your father. And I said, really. She said yes, she was crying. I know she was so scared and worried and said well, I'll be. Isn't that something? You never know what can happen she did.

Lisa Elzey: 26:57

She says, well, things happen, yeah. And it was like the biggest relief because I you just don't know if someone's going to take something now granted after that. Mom, you did kind of go through all the different phases it was a lot of different.

Nidel Day: 27:10

I told you, yeah, first I wasn't upset or angry or anything, it was just, oh, wow, that's really interesting. And then, you know, I went through a few weeks of thinking about that and then I thought, oh, I never got to meet him and that kind of made me feel saddened. Then I thought, oh, I never got to meet him and that kind of made me feel saddened. And then to find out he lived right over the hill, about maybe five to ten miles over the hill from where I lived, and if my mother had told me I could have met him. But I went through.

Nidel Day: 27:42

And then I went through the phase of feeling sad for myself, not very long, I didn't go through these very, very long. And now it's just curiosity, I would, I really wanted to meet him, look, see what he looked like, see what kind of person, his personality and kind of give him the what for, like why'd you do this, did you, um, as you kind of went through that process like how, how did you start to think about Delbert and his role in your life?

Nidel Day: 28:14

I didn't have any animosities or any of that. I just never felt connected to him. He was a good man, he raised me in a good way, he took care of my mother, but we never, ever had a very close relationship. I never felt a lot of feelings toward him because he didn't toward me. I could tell he was very strict and very matter-of-factly and there was no like fathers do with their children and I always wondered why we were so distant and I didn't look anything like any of the relatives his sisters, brothers but I just never really was that connected to him. So it didn't hurt a whole.

Nidel Day: 29:09

I don't know, exactly how to explain it you. It made sense right, oh yeah, you totally made sense everything, especially that I never fit in with their family. Um, we, we joke, but my mother used to take me back to visit their family and it was like the whole family and they have a huge one. Used to come over nad to visit their family, and it was like the whole family, and they have a huge one. Used to come over Nadelle's coming and everybody'd come to stare at me and it was just odd.

Lisa Elzey: 29:37

Everything was kind of odd. You said you feel like you're the only one who didn't know that Delbert wasn't your dad.

Nidel Day: 29:43

I honestly think I am the only one that didn't know. Okay, and that was interesting. I think that was one of the most interesting things is that all these years I'm 81 right now but for all those years I never put two and two together, I don't know, and it never slipped out. All I can say is I have those relatives are pretty quiet.

Lisa Elzey: 30:07

And grandma too. And grandma, I remember that you said I don't know if I want to talk to grandma. She's so frail, I don't want to upset her, but then I know my mom. Within like 10 days you're like I'm talking to grandma, I'm talking to my mom.

Crista Cowan: 30:20

How'd that conversation go?

Nidel Day: 30:22

Yeah Well, I just walked in, sat down and started to talk to her and said Mom, I want to ask you a question. I found out and I realize now that my father is not my father. Is that right? And she just sat there for a minute and said yes, and how do you feel about that? And I could tell it was pain. Oh, I don't mean to cry, but I said it's okay. Why didn't you tell me? And she said because I didn't want to hurt you. And I thought, oh, I said you wouldn't have hurt me. That's just.

Nidel Day: 31:08

It happens to lots of people and I think it was a generational thing. She was in the generation didn't accept things like that. Today it's not a big deal. That Today it's not a big deal. And I've always been a pretty laid back person about, you know, mistakes people make and accepting others for who they are and those things are. They're just so minuscule compared to life and trying to live it and get through this life. Those are just really minor little hiccups. So I told her don't ever think I would have been mad at you. I'm not mad at you right now, I'm just really not. She says well, I really made a lot of mistakes and I said oh, so what? How old was she when you were born? How old was she Teenager?

Crista Cowan: 32:04

17. Yeah.

Nidel Day: 32:05

Yeah, yeah, she met him at a what do they call? All the army people, like a USO dance, yeah, a USO dance. And they fell in love, whatever had an affair, and he was shipped out to go overseas and fight the war and she was a kid, yeah, and she was scared, yeah, and she was like I said they were all. She said they were all worried and they were all scared about what was going to happen. And I think they were trying to live their life in the last year of the you know what I mean, like we've got to do everything we want to do. I don't know, but it was so silly she never told me.

Lisa Elzey: 32:46

Yeah, I said, if you would have, I could have met him and then my favorite thing she also said is when my mom was talking to her about it. She says Lisa figured out, you know, looking at the DNA. And yeah, and then Greg, you told me.

Nidel Day: 32:58

Grandma said she said I knew it. I knew when Lisa got into that business and she wanted me to take a DNA test I was going to be found out.

Lisa Elzey: 33:09

Yeah, she said, I thought she'd figure it out yeah. And I'm like my grandma was very cheeky. She's always loved a good laugh and would laugh. And for her to say that about me. I thought it was kind of funny.

Nidel Day: 33:20

I thought it was really kind of sad, though, because I think they really loved each other. But they got my thoughts were my thoughts have been, you know they probably if it was different times not during the war they probably would have got together.

Crista Cowan: 33:35

But he shipped off and she found herself pregnant and yeah, and Delbert came along.

Nidel Day: 33:40

Yeah, I don't know where that all connects, lisa might, but yeah, it's so. She met. Delbert came along. Yeah, I don't know where that all connects, lisa might, but I don't know.

Lisa Elzey: 33:45

So she met Delbert first, and Delbert had joined before Pearl Harbor and she met Delbert at a roller rink. Remember your dad they loved to roller skate and they met at a roller rink. And this time, my grandma was only 16 when they met and so he was shipped out and she wrote him the whole time, and then Pearl Harbor happened, and he had been stationed at Pearl Harbor just prior to the bombing.

Nidel Day: 34:09

Yeah, he left, and he left like before the day before or so.

Lisa Elzey: 34:13

But she didn't know that and so she thought that the person she loved, she didn't hear from him for like two months and but I think, even after hearing from him, I think she kind of detached a little bit. And then months later she met harold and I even think in her letters she was kind of like, well, maybe because they'd been talking about marriage before and stuff, but I think in her letters towards the end of the year of 1942 she was like, well, maybe we'll date other people. Yeah, because I think she met Harold. And so then she got pregnant, harold disappeared and then in December Delbert came back and they got married New Year's Eve of 1942. And my mom was born July of 43.

Lisa Elzey: 34:55

So, you know she said, my grandma said that Delbert knew that she was pregnant. I believe so, yeah, that she knew, that he knew that she was pregnant.

Nidel Day: 35:01

I believe so.

Lisa Elzey: 35:02

Yeah, that she knew, that he knew that she was pregnant.

Nidel Day: 35:05

He never did say anything to me. Oh, but he did, didn't he? Yeah?

Lisa Elzey: 35:10

So I love this because, after I told my mom all of this, what's funny about things is sometimes your memories are locked, Like you have things that have happened in your life when you were 12 or 14, and you don't think about it until something that triggers that memory. And after I had explained everything with my beautiful PowerPoint presentation and realizing I don't need to cry because my mom's okay, all of a sudden she just turned to me and she goes and she tells the story. Tell me the story. So I was a teenager. Tell me the story.

Nidel Day: 35:38

So I was a teenager I believe freshman in high school. Anyway, my father, delbert, used to come and pick me up. Well, okay, they got a divorce, they were divorced and he was very hurt, extremely Okay, and I can see why. And he used to come pick me up and take me to dinner or something, and this one night, and then my mother had met Ed and they were dating and he was extremely upset and so he took me to dinner and we were parked out in front of the house to bring me back home and he said I have something to tell you. I want you to know this. And I said what's that tell you? I want you to know this. I said what's that?

Nidel Day: 36:25

I was young, unaware. And he said I'm not your father. I went oh, come on, that is the silliest. Whatever, I figured this was all a ploy because of what was going on. I just remember getting out of the car really fast because it was so ridiculous to me, and going into my home and saying to my mother you know what he just told me? He just told me that I wasn't his daughter and she just played it off like oh, he's just angry and he's just trying to hurt your feelings because of you know what's happening. So I just went oh okay, being a teenager, you don't dwell on things like that. I mean, normally you don't. I just thought it was to be hurtful and then you completely forgot that.

Lisa Elzey: 37:14

Oh yeah.

Nidel Day: 37:14

I just blew it off.

Lisa Elzey: 37:17

Until she was 74.

Nidel Day: 37:18

Yeah, and then she said this oh my gosh, she told you, she wasn't. Yeah. And then she said this oh my gosh, she told you, she wasn't kidding me Like that's.

Lisa Elzey: 37:25

What's crazy to me is that that had been locked in your memory.

Nidel Day: 37:28

Yeah well, Until 74 years old, Because I thought it was ridiculous, you know, just like, oh okay, you just want to hurt everybody.

Lisa Elzey: 37:36

Yeah, but it was still there to be recalled.

Nidel Day: 37:39

Yeah, because it was odd.

Lisa Elzey: 37:42

Yeah, it was still there to be recalled. Yeah, because it was odd, yeah, it was so crazy. And then I remember. My favorite, though, is mom would call me, you call me like I don't know once a week and be like oh, I just remembered this story. And so like all these things are like flooding back and she was putting she just kept going. I'm so grateful it's putting all the pieces together.

Nidel Day: 37:56

It is because he was never, like I told you, not connected, no emotional things going on between us. He was always so strict like he'd do things that were just over the top, like if I parked my bike in the, in the, in the driveway and left it over, now I'm grounded with it for a month. You know that kind of silly stuff where it's just extreme. Just it just made sense why we weren't connecting, isn't?

Crista Cowan: 38:22

that amazing. But yeah, I think there's so many things that make more sense once we learn more about our family history, and for me, that's always been. The goal of family history is to make sense of who they were, and that helps make sense of who our parents were and, in turn, who we are. And when part of that is hidden from you, you, you struggle to make sense of things yeah, exactly, but I don't have any regrets.

Nidel Day: 38:50

I don't have any animosities towards anyone. I'm that kind of person, though I just don't because it's a waste of time and energy.

Lisa Elzey: 39:00

I inherited that from you and I'm grateful. I don't dwell on it, right, we don't dwell. We're very passionate people. Definitely it's a lot of our German. We're very passionate and expressive, but then we express and then we move on.

Nidel Day: 39:16

We're done, yeah, and we talk it out. We don't hold stuff in. I always raised my family with like, let's talk about this, let's not just, you know, get in the problem and then just let it go for months and years. No, let's talk right now, let's get this figured out. And I think it's paid off, because I see people that struggle that don't do that.

Lisa Elzey: 39:37

Yeah, and I wonder if that's a little bit because Delbert didn't do that with you. I don't know. Yeah, but anyway.

Crista Cowan: 39:44

So fascinating. Well, would you do it. You would take a DNA test again.

Nidel Day: 39:55

Of course. I mean this is really great, isn't it, that at least I have what I hope another 10 to 15 years and I can live it with the truth right, and not only that, you know, if I? I mean I believe there is a next life. But it's like what if I never knew this before I left this life? That would have been crummy right. This is pretty interesting.

Crista Cowan: 40:14

So, in addition to gaining another father, you also have gained some siblings.

Nidel Day: 40:20

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I haven't met any of them, but it's kind of unbelievable. That's the hardest part for me. I lived my entire life, up to what, 80 years old 74, yeah, without knowing. I thought I was an only child, which really stinks, by the way, I used to go around and find all the neighbors I could to come over, because I just needed siblings, right, even though they weren't mine, but anyway, uh, what was my point? Come to find out you have how many I seven.

Lisa Elzey: 40:53

You have seven half siblings. She has met one on facetime. Oh yeah, I did meet carla car, my new Aunt Carla. I call Harold my new grandpa and Carla is my new Aunt Carla.

Crista Cowan: 41:07

So, as you kind of think about your next 10 or 15 years, right, what is it that you hope? Like, especially as it relates to these siblings, like do you want to meet them?

Nidel Day: 41:17

Yeah, maybe it's that. I don't know if they really want to meet me, they do.

Crista Cowan: 41:21

You know what I mean.

Nidel Day: 41:22

Yeah, how would you feel? Yeah?

Crista Cowan: 41:27

Well, I have a new Aunt, carol, you do, I do, yeah, so we've, like all families have messiness right.

Nidel Day: 41:34

So were you excited about it? Yes, how did it feel?

Crista Cowan: 41:37

Not only have I loved both times I have met her, but we are planning another trip down to Southern California to meet her in April. Yeah, so my siblings can meet her. They haven't met her yet.

Nidel Day: 41:48

How did it feel? I mean emotionally.

Crista Cowan: 41:52

Like there was some confusion, right, because in our case it was, like you know, my grandfather had an affair with his sister-in-law Like there's some messiness there, right, that my mom had to navigate and that Carol had to navigate and ultimately that I did. Because you build up these kind of idealized versions of people in your head, I think and you know, I don't know if you did that with your mom or not but yeah, you have to like kind of process it, but once we processed it, she's a delightful person, oh, I bet, and I love having her in my life.

Nidel Day: 42:23

Yeah, okay, well, see, that helps.

Lisa Elzey: 42:26

Thank you for the therapy Now I think. What I do love, though, is that you know, harold wasn't a perfect person.

Lisa Elzey: 42:33

He had made a lot of mistakes, even after my grandmother, you know, not staying with her and doing all of that, and he had had many marriages and there's a lot of trauma. He, he's an alcoholic, his father was an alcoholic. I mean, there's just a lot of things to unpack, but what I do love is, like my mom said, she has the truth, she understands herself a little better and also we found some really amazing family history stories that we can then share with our kids, with her grandkids or great-grandkids eventually, if we ever have them. Um, but I love that we're able to have both sides of the family tree to tell the, her delbert side, which really is the man who raised her and was my grandpa, right, and I have very fond memories of that and, um, also these new memories that I'm hoping to create with Harold Osbury's family.

Nidel Day: 43:22

So, yeah, Right, and I hope I get to see him someday. Yeah, that's one thing that is on my mind. You asked me what's moving forward. I just I feel a bit of sadness not ever being able to just look at his face and yeah, yeah, well, I have seen a picture of him, so I have looked at his face.

Crista Cowan: 43:49

I'm sure you have seen that picture as well, and I can see some of your grandchildren in him. So the genes are strong and my son.

Nidel Day: 43:58

Oh my goodness, when I first saw him, I said oh, that's Richard, my oldest boy. Well, my only boy.

Lisa Elzey: 44:08

Yeah, my brother, he's got the same brow, same kind of.

Nidel Day: 44:12

But that's what I think about the most. I think now, now that it's all done and said and done is gee, I wonder what he was like. He couldn't have been all bad. I'm not all bad.

Lisa Elzey: 44:23

Well, what was great, though, we also met. Through family history we met I've discovered her only first cousin on that side of the family, doris, oh yeah, who's named after your biological grandmother, doris Right, and I spoke with her on the phone. Delightful person, and she's the one that told me stories about her Uncle Harold and how he was the life of the party dynamic. Everyone loved Uncle Harold. She's like, oh, and he was so handsome, so she just had all these amazing things to say, and remember that made you feel so much better.

Nidel Day: 44:54

Yeah, and I was thinking I'm not very much like my mother. My mother was very subdued. I'm not very much like my mother. My mother was very subdued, very cool, calm, collected lady and just a lady all the time. Well, I wasn't exactly like that. I was kind of a spitfire when I was young and I liked to joke and everybody laughs and all of that. When I was younger, growing up, I think I was like him, you know, because he was pretty tough from what Lisa's been telling me about in the World War II and all the missions and just I don't know, I think I'm, I would. I would really like to have met him. Darn it, that's the only thing I say.

Lisa Elzey: 45:38

Well, someday, okay, not soon, not soon, oh no, please. Yeah. 15 years, yeah Well, just family history is a great substitute, yeah.

Crista Cowan: 45:49

Well, thank you both so much for being here, for sharing your story. I know it's really personal, but I think it's important that people hear that you know we have these experiences and we navigate our way through them and we make the discoveries and maybe form some relationships along the way and ultimately collect the stories.

Nidel Day: 46:08

Thank you for interviewing us.

Lisa Elzey: 46:11

Yeah, Love you mom.

Nidel Day: 46:13

I love you.