Maria Mendoza: 0:02

When I had my first child, a friend of mine. She says so what's it like holding and looking at your DNA? And it just it blew my mind because I'm like, oh my gosh, I never really thought about that, you know.

Crista Cowan: 0:17

Stories that Live In Us is a podcast that inspires you to form deep connections with your family past, present and future. I'm rista Cowan, known online as the Barefoot Genealogist. I've spent my whole life discovering the power of family history and I know that sharing the stories that live in you can change everything. I first heard about Maria Mendoza from my producer, lisa. She had worked with Maria's husband on a family history project and had heard about Maria's curiosity about her own family history and some of the journey that she was on, and so when we were able to get Maria to come on the podcast, I was intrigued to hear her story in her own words. Now, having interviewed her, I am so excited for you to hear this episode and to learn from her about how she handled a really possible delicate family history situation, and the story that she tells and the way that she tells it in her own words, I just find really inspiring. Maria, thank you so much for joining me today.

Maria Mendoza: 1:28

Hi, thanks for having me really excited Yay.

Crista Cowan: 1:31

So I I am just meeting you here for the first time, but I have heard about your family history story and the journey that you've been on and I'm excited for us to share that with my listeners. So why don't we kind of start at the beginning? Tell me a little bit about growing up and the things you knew and the things you didn't know.

Maria Mendoza: 1:52

Well, I was adopted at birth. I was just a few weeks old, into a family that already had a built-in brother and sister, so that was nice. Yeah, my siblings are eight, nine years older than myself and I grew up in Southern California, a suburb of Los Angeles called Whittier, california. I had known since I could remember that I was adopted and I give my parents credits for explaining to me in a very sensitive manner that a child can understand. I remember being five years old and telling people hey, I'm adopted. And people would ask well, do you know what that means? And I would explain well, yes, it means that my real mommy and daddy, they loved me so much but they couldn't take care of me, so they wanted the best for me, so they gave me to a family that could take care of me, you know, and, of course, as I got older, you know you kind of wonder about your background.

Maria Mendoza: 2:46

However, as happy as I was and content as I was, you know the adoption was never an issue. You know my parents were great about it. They were pretty open about it. We had very little information about my adoption. They had gone to an agency, you know, a few cities away, which no longer exists. My birth certificate was amended by the time I was a toddler to show my parents as Lupe and Sal Hernandez as my birth parents on my certificate. And you know, to tell you the truth, I really didn't have the urge to seek out my birth parents. I had nothing against them. I just was pretty content and happy with my childhood and, ironically, you know, my parents passed away a few years ago and it was actually my sister. She's like let's go find your birth parents. Let's go find your birth parents.

Maria Mendoza: 3:48

So you knew you were going to get an ethnicity estimate, but you didn't know that the matching of relatives was part of the service. I didn't even know that page existed. In fact, it was two weeks afterwards that I get an email, you know, through Ancestry, from this young person who resembled my son. Actually I'm like, well, this, you know, this college kid looks like my son, kind of, and he inquired. He says hey, you're popping up on my dad's profile and your last name is Mendoza, my married name. Would you mind if I you know? We ask you some questions. And I said, well, yeah, sure, but let me clarify that Mendoza is my married name.

Maria Mendoza: 4:17

I know nothing about my background. Now let me go back a little bit, because my birth certificate was sealed. You know, I was born in 1969. They're pretty, I think, a bit straight around that time with adoptions. I would have had to petition the court to access my original birth certificate, which is again. I didn't have notion that these individuals were in this situation and they made those choices. So, even if I again, I'd be open to meeting them, but I wasn't going to be knocking on their door saying Hi, I'm your daughter, because it's a little disruptive.

Crista Cowan: 4:56

Yeah, so when you started having children, do you just have the one child, or do you?

Maria Mendoza: 4:59

have? I have two boys, Max and Phoenix. They are 17 and 15 now.

Crista Cowan: 5:05

Okay, and so they were raised, also knowing that you were adopted.

Maria Mendoza: 5:08

Yes, yes, and I do remember this when I had my first child. A friend of mine. She says so what's it like holding and looking at your DNA? And it just it blew my mind because I'm like, oh my gosh, I never really thought about that, you know, I'm like oh, wow, great.

Crista Cowan: 5:27

So yeah, now you have somebody who is a part of you, literally. Yes, exactly.

Maria Mendoza: 5:31

I'm like, oh my gosh, um, that that very same friend was so delighted to hear about my this story here. She was excited for me. Uh, anyhow I I contact this person. I said, yeah, you can ask questions, but you know, this is this, is all. I don't know anything. And I think the only thing that the caseworker told my parents was that my mother came from Mexico and I think somehow it kind of evolved to this sort of story, like my mother came from a family in Mexico or Mexico City. She found out she was pregnant, didn't want to have a child, you know, didn't want her family back home to find out anything. So, you know, she took care of, made arrangements here and this whole time it was kind of presumed that she was a college student because I was born at USC. Again, there was no proof to that, sure absolutely.

Crista Cowan: 6:22

And is that story that you kind of developed about her? Was that a story that just kind of you pieced together over time based on little snippets of information? Or was that something that just kind of whole cloth you created because you needed to fill in a gap or have a story?

Maria Mendoza: 6:37

It was just something that was like we'd always known, ever since I was little and my dad, you know he, was Latino, he was Mexican. He didn't understand me I mean it's the seventies and eighties, you know he looked at me. He's like, okay, I could see, maybe your mom was a Latina, you know Mexicana. But he tells me he goes I don't get you, you know, I just don't, I don't see your personality as a Latina, as a Mexicana, typical. You know he's thinking of cultural reference, generational reference. You know it's different.

Crista Cowan: 7:06

Which is really, which is really interesting when you start to think about these concepts of nature and nurture, right, like, genetically, you are Hispanic, latina and yet, and your father that raised you, also Latino, and so how do you like? How does he not see that is interesting to start to think about as well, right?

Maria Mendoza: 7:24

Oh, yeah, yeah, Again, it's LA, but still very, you know, latin based family. I mean, my dad was the only one that spoke Spanish and I would respond to him in English. My siblings are far more bilingual than I am, sadly, but it was all good, you know, it was all great and we had a, you know, good relationship with my parents. So when I get to this guy emailing me, I'm like, yeah, by chance, you know, is anybody associated with USC in the fall of 1968? Because I was kind of calculating, that's when I was conceived.

Maria Mendoza: 7:59

Dad and his brothers grew up in Mexico and, like they were born in the fifties and sixties, late fifties and early in the sixties, I said oh, wow, something. Oh, this has to be a mistake somehow, you know. And then and he says, would you mind if my father reached out to you? And I'm like, yeah, not at all. So the next morning his father reached out and he, you know lengthy message, very warm and congenial, and right away he gets in there. He says yes, because interesting information that my son has found out. I don't know if he told you, but we also tested. You know, we have a profile for my father and you are showing up on his profile you are his daughter, you're my half sister. I mean, he just drops the bomb like that. Wow, like the second paragraph in, and I'm just like short circuiting Cause I'm like wait, what, what, what? You?

Crista Cowan: 8:50

know and then, even after reading it, 10 times.

Maria Mendoza: 8:52

And where were you when you got that news? Um, I was like it was like 11, like 10 o'clock at night in bed watching TV and I just happened to check my email, you know, and I see this. So the next morning I'm I'm sipping coffee was a Saturday morning and I'm sipping coffee. It was a Saturday morning and I'm just stunned.

Crista Cowan: 9:03

So how long you get this message from this gentleman telling you he's your half sibling. Obviously that's a lot to digest, when it wasn't something you were necessarily looking for. How long did you sit on that, or sit with that, before responding to him?

Maria Mendoza: 9:19

Probably about an hour, I think, because it turns out a that her father was still alive. He was 90, at that time he was 94. And you know, he and his wife had a total of nine children. Wow, I was born a month before the youngest one, okay. So, yeah, I mean like he tells me he's oh's, oh, he goes, yes, I'm the middle of nine children. My birth, my bio father, traveled a lot. He he was in mexico but he did a lot of agricultural work up and down the state of california. He'd be gone for months at a time. He'd be, he and his partner would run farms for like seasons. So, uh, at the time of my conception he was gone for like a year and a half, although he would visit his family back home right so his children knew that there's a possibility.

Maria Mendoza: 10:15

You know, he kind of had extracurricular activities while he was away there could be more of you out there yes.

Maria Mendoza: 10:22

So they kind of were on the fence about telling their father because he, you know, obviously he didn't know anything about this either, right, and he's. I'd like to think that if my father, I did ask my father, he didn't know anything about this, he didn't. He just he's not going to expect this at all. So, you know, let's see how we go from there. And I, and I said, well, with all due respect, is your mother still alive? Because, um, the imagination can lead to so many things you know, particularly about when it comes to your own conception, when you're adopted.

Maria Mendoza: 10:50

I didn't know the origins, I didn't know, you know, good, bad, what the circumstances were, but I need to be respectful of these individuals that were involved in that situation. You know, especially your mother, if I am the product of an affair, you know, so we try to get more details. So, yes, I would be happy to meet Dionysio, as is my biological father's name, but I want to be respectful of his wife, your mother and the rest of the family, because this is not an easy thing to swallow, obviously.

Crista Cowan: 11:20

That's really sensitive of you, right? Because I think a lot of times when people want information, the information sometimes takes precedence, and so the fact that you paused and were respectful of her and of their relationship and of the life that they built together and and recognized that walking into that, I think that's really impressive oh, thank you.

Maria Mendoza: 11:40

Thank you, you know it's to me it was a no brighter right. So, um, they got back to their dad. You know, like, let me talk to my brother and see what's going on. He was very eager to meet me and he himself was kind of telling his son because you know what, I don't want to hide this from my wife because I can't face her, I have to look her in the eye. He was a stand-up kind of guy, so he broke the news to her, you know. And of course the other sons were like, very protective of their mother. I believe I understand that. But I mean, me and my family, we had some 50 years to prepare for this possible moment. This is all new for you. So you let me know when you're ready. And then after a couple of weeks, another week or so, they invited me over for a little family celebration and it turns out that the gentleman lived just been 15 minutes from me. And then when I found out, especially when their background, you know, they came from Mexico.

Maria Mendoza: 12:34

My bio father was a ranchero. I mean you couldn't get more like Mexicano, like just yeah. So he was a horse wrangler, he hustled. He actually grew up in a very poor town. He didn't know how to read or write until he was like 20, but he still hustled and made things happen after me I mean after, yeah, he had his encounter with my birth mother, went back to Mexico, finished saving money and he managed to get paperwork visas for all of his family members, he and his wife and his nine children. So they came to LA in the early 70s Highland Park, I think, is where they grew up, the general area, and again, I was in Whittier the whole time. So it was just kind of funny how they all landed so close, yeah, yeah, so a lot of them were. You know, those kids range from like maybe what's eight years old to you know, already like 16 and 18 married. So it varied. I mean, they had a very traditional Mexican background.

Maria Mendoza: 13:45

Yeah, and I knew I did it, so I'm like I don't know how much they're going to be able to relate to me, you know.

Crista Cowan: 13:50

Yeah, it's religious background and political background and and when families are raised together, often those things still kind of arise as differences. But you've navigated those differences in those evolutions of people over time and when you're walking into this situation again, you've got that like, how do we navigate this? Are we going to click? Where are we going to find meeting points where we agree? Are the disagreements going to be too big to overcome? That's all of those things I imagine have to go through your head.

Maria Mendoza: 14:20

They did. They did, but you know they're so warm and gracious. Somebody was having a birthday party, like, I guess, one of the adult grandkids, and so they took that opportunity to invite me over and I said no, I don't want to overshadow anything, I don't want to take away anything. She's like no, no, no, no, it's fine. Your nephew, he's 40. He's had plenty of these birthdays. He wanted to come down and join the party and bring whomever you want. And I said well, OK, great, I said, but I could tell you, I'll do so unless you're now. I knew that his wife would not be there. I said I'll do so as long as the wife still agrees you know, agrees with this. And if, for some reason, at the last minute, she changes her mind, even if I'm pulling up to the door and even if she's at her own home and she tells me no, don't make this happen, oh wait, I'll back off.

Crista Cowan: 15:06

Yeah.

Maria Mendoza: 15:10

Well, I brought. I was going to bring both my brother and sister, but my sister couldn't make it, so it was just it was my brother with my husband and two sons, so it was. It was very lovely. They were so warm and gracious and they greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. We, you know, we planned to stay just like, maybe for a couple hours, just to kind of feel it out, and we wound up staying for hours and hours and hours. I mean to like 1am.

Crista Cowan: 15:34

You mentioned earlier that moment when you know you held your child for the first time and realized this is my DNA. Was there that moment when you walked into that house for the first time to meet them that connected with you around that at all?

Maria Mendoza: 15:50

I guess it did. When I saw his face Now, to my surprise, I didn't get all emotional, I didn't start crying or weeping, I was just. I think I was stunned, but I did see, you know, similarities in his face, like, oh my God, and I was like I kept touching him, you know, like you're real, like wow, this is real, you're real. And I think that was probably why I was so stunned. This is real, you. And I think that was probably why I was so stunned. You know, all these years, my, my background was such a huge, giant question mark and I mean I didn't focus on it too much, but it was, you know, it was there and then all of a sudden to, just like that, get answers. It was just, it was like insanely simple, that it was almost like alarming, you know so, and I even said I go, pardon me if I sound incredulous. Um, yeah, I mean I know I'm fortunate with my situation, because I've heard other stories that just don't turn out as sweet and nice. How long ago, was this.

Maria Mendoza: 16:49

Let me see end of February 22 years ago now. Yeah, two years ago years ago, okay.

Crista Cowan: 16:56

And what was your like from that point, from that initial meeting with the whole family? What was your, what was your relationship with him Like?

Maria Mendoza: 17:06

um with him. It was great, it was fantastic right off the right off the mark. Um, it did take a while to meet the rest of the siblings. It took him a while and it took me a while, a few more months, to meet the mother, I mean his wife, um, and you know, because and it was all very logical, like people, like it's not you, it's not you, like you know, I get that, I guess. Fine, ultimately, I guess I won over the other siblings as well, because they turned around and in a sense, advocated to their mother for me, like, listen, I don't necessarily always agree with these two brothers, but in this case I did meet her. I do like her. She's a nice person, I do want to have her in my life.

Maria Mendoza: 17:49

Um, my bio father. He was diagnosed with cancer and within a couple of months he was gone. He passed away in October of 23 last yeah, last year and I spent time with him. You know I was there and I guess it was maybe you call it serendipity, I'm not sure, but because of my own parents and dealing with their health issues for many years. You know we were caregivers to our parents, so we knew what that was like for that family.

Maria Mendoza: 18:19

He had great health up until you know very recently and you know, like I said, age catches up. You know he had, he had a scare with his heart. They reached out to me right away and said listen, he has to go in the hospital. You are his daughter, you have every right to visit him and you may meet the other siblings in doing so. And I did and I and I worked with them like I, I stayed and I wanted them to get know me. So, like, okay, I know you guys have your differences with each other, but this is me, this is me and you, you know me and you, um, and they all welcomed me in a sense.

Crista Cowan: 18:56

That's a really lovely idea that you just hit on. That, I think, is so important for people to understand, which is, you know, when you walk into a situation like that, it has the potential to heal things and bring things together. It has the potential to drive a wedge. And that concept of having one to one relationships with your adult siblings, who have every right to make that decision for themselves, regardless of what the family decides to do that is again just such a such a emotionally mature response to that and not something that necessarily everybody would think to do, but that, like, I will have whatever relationship with you as my adult sibling that you want to have, and then this other sibling and I will have our own one to one relationship. That's maybe even easier because you're coming in from the outside. So you had two, almost two years with him. Is that what I'm hearing, if I did the math right in my head?

Maria Mendoza: 19:51

And about 18, yeah, like, yeah, about almost two years. Okay, I did as often as I could and sometimes when he was like in the hospital recovering from something you know, for like a stint, I'd go visit his wife just to make sure she, you know, hey, how you doing. And here's another thing too, I'm super affectionate. They're not Like the fact that I was holding my bio dad's hands in the hospital one day. We were, and we didn't speak very much.

Maria Mendoza: 20:20

My Spanish is poor, his English was okay, but you know, kind of like shoddy. But I would just sit there next to him for hours at the hospital and just, you know, hold his hand and read a book, whatever, just be with him. Like not, it's okay if we didn't talk, but one of the one of his sons walked in and he's and that's when I met him for the first time and he's like he looks at me with the hands. He's like I never see that, we never see that. I'm like what do you mean? Like we never see physical affection or hand-holding, because maybe my parents do it in private, but I've never seen that well, it sounds like you've brought some really beautiful things into their lives as well.

Maria Mendoza: 20:56

Yes, and, and you know, when he came to the funeral, well, he passed on his um just after midnight, uh, actually right after his 96th birthday, so like 96 plus. You know he's, he was stubborn, he was just, yeah, tough, tough cookie. The funeral came around and I said I will do whatever Amalia wants that was that's his wife's name Whatever your mom wants. You know, if you want me to sit with the family, I'll sit with the family. If she doesn't want to deal with it, you know, I'll sit in the back, don't worry about it. It. But no, they were like, no, you're gonna sit with us. And, in fact, one of them wanted me to sit next to their mom, just so I could be close enough to console her. And the fact that his wife was watching me and she says look at you. She tells me you're just like your dad, you go around work, the whole room, talking, really connecting with people, and I started laughing. I said, okay, and there's like another personality trait that popped up early on, how he could be pretty. Um, this gentleman could be pretty, yeah, tenacious. And both my husband and my my brother looked at each other, looked at me and started laughing like, okay, yeah, she's the same, can be the same way, you know. So, again going, you know, nurture versus nature. But no, they were quite lovely. They welcomed me as part of the family for the funeral.

Maria Mendoza: 22:23

I had so many people come up to me and they had some lovely, lovely things to say that my bio dad was so happy to have me in his life. He so elated, he was so proud of me. I mean, people felt compelled to come up to me and tell me this and listen, your dad really loves you, even though he just met you. I'm like, oh, thanks, you know, it was nice. Even like even the staff, like the, the nursing home where he was, where he, you know, had his last days, or the hospital, I mean they were just I'm like, oh, you know. I'm like, well, yeah, it's easy because, again, there's no history.

Crista Cowan: 23:00

Yeah, you know that's also an interesting point, right Is that when you're coming into a new relationship with a parent as an adult, you do, you do have kind of a fresh clean slate and they're more mature. And you're more mature, they didn't have to discipline you.

Maria Mendoza: 23:18

There's a whole different nature to that relationship. Yeah, there is.

Crista Cowan: 23:21

There is. So, having gone through this whole experience, you mentioned that as a child you weren't really curious or overly interested and that you took the DNA test originally just to get your ethnicity estimate and to learn a little bit more about you, know what was in you. But now you have these relationships you've had this time with your father, you have more information. How. How does that make you feel? Are you? Do you regret it at all? Do you feel better for having done it?

Maria Mendoza: 23:51

You know, the only regret I have is not doing it sooner. I felt like oh no, I'm. I felt wealthier emotionally, you know, it was just, it was fantastic this new world without him, but with this whole family of siblings.

Crista Cowan: 24:18

Like what? What is your hope for the future? What do you hope going forward as you bring this story with you through the rest of your life?

Maria Mendoza: 24:26

Um, I guess. One, that it's never too late. You know, um two, that you'd be surprised where you can make connections. You know, not everything is. You just have to be reminded that not everything is what first appears right and just be a little patient and just, you know, just have an open heart, open mind, open ears, like really listen, you know, listen to listen with your heart.

Crista Cowan: 25:03

That's really beautiful. Yeah, thank you, maria. Thank you so much for your time. Thank you for your story. I just appreciate, I appreciate your bravery both in like going on this journey and then also being willing to share. It really really means a lot to me.

Maria Mendoza: 25:18

Yeah, thank you. Maybe in some time I'll do follow up with my bio mom.

Crista Cowan: 25:22

Right. Yes, I'm anxious to hear the rest of the story, for sure.