Speaker 1: 0:03

I'm sure the first few times it was a joke or a way to like embarrass a kid who was like a young, like tween, who like doesn't want to hear about those things and to share it.

Speaker 2: 0:14

But now it's like turned into okay, we got to tell the story stories that live in us is a podcast that inspires you to form deep connections with your family, past, present and future. I'm Krista Cowan, known online as the Barefoot Genealogist. I've spent my whole life discovering the power of family history and I know that sharing the stories that live in you can change everything. I'm the oldest of five children. My youngest brother is nine years younger than me and when my parents dropped me off at college when I was 17 years old, my dad who loves babies expected me to be married by the time I finished my first year of school. I'm pretty sure I jokingly told him at one point that I wasn't going to get married first that my youngest brother was, and he was a little devastated that he was going to have to wait that long for grandchildren Now the first time I told my dad that it was probably a joke, but it turned out that that's exactly what happened.

Speaker 2: 1:17

When my brother was 21 years old, he brought Shelly to meet our family, brought Shelly to meet our family, and at first I was a little stunned by how fast their relationship was and how young they both were, but I could tell why he loved her. A few weeks later we were all down in Los Angeles at my grandparents and I actually asked Shelly to go on a drive with me, stuck her in a car and kidnapped her for several hours. My brother was not happy with me. I'm not sure if he thought I was going to scare her away or if he was just bugged that he wasn't getting to spend more time with her. But during that drive, which Shelly later told me terrified her, she and I had a really great conversation and I began to fall in love with her myself.

Speaker 2: 2:07

And now here we are, 22 years later, and she is not just the girl my brother brought home, she is also my sister, and I had no idea the impact that she was going to make on my life, not just because she's the mother of five of my nephews yes, you heard that right Five of my nephews but also because of the culture and the traditions and the routines and the stories that she has cultivated around her kitchen table.

Speaker 2: 2:47

So I hope you will enjoy this episode of Stories that Live In Us, where I talk to my sister-in-law, shelly Cowan I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad I'm here. You are such an important part of my life and you birthed some of the most important people in my life, and so I'm super excited to talk to you about some of our family traditions, a lot of which have been instituted by you, and I'm so grateful to you for that. So let's start with, um, just kind of the idea of family traditions in general, like in the household you grew up in and the family you grew up in were family traditions a thing.

Speaker 1: 3:30

We had a few like and most of them revolved around Christmas. Like we always had fondue on Christmas Eve. We always drove around and looked at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve and my dad would ooh ah and just be cheesy. And like, on the 4th of July we always went to fireworks. Like that, I think, was really the extent of our well. And when we didn't live in Utah, every summer our family vacation was to Utah to visit family. But like I think that that was like the extent of family traditions.

Speaker 2: 4:05

Okay, so when you and Adam got married was did you have the idea to have intentional family traditions going forward, or is that something that evolved over time?

Speaker 1: 4:16

No. So I was asking him last night like I don't even know how most of the things that we do started, and he's like I don't think we did it intentionally. I think it was just something that happened that turned into like a long-term thing. Like thinking back on some of the things that we do, there was like specific reasons that they started and then I think it just like turned into habit more than anything, and then then the habit became the tradition. Right yeah.

Speaker 2: 4:45

So when you moved into your current house and realized you had five sons and they had friends and you had all of us you inherited all of us as in-laws. You needed a bigger table, you needed a space where we could all gather and you decided to make a table yourself. Why?

Speaker 1: 5:07

Well, so if you remember, when we moved in, like Finn had just turned one and we had that table that was really tall and it was square and like you could squish eight people on that table Uncomfortably, and that was it I mean, my little kids I don't even know that they felt like that table was built for them because they couldn't get on a chair by themselves, they couldn't, like it was not easily accessible and there wasn't room for people and watching our kids.

Speaker 1: 5:34

It was like one day there's going to be a lot more than the 10 people we try to squish at this table, that we want to be at this table.

Speaker 1: 5:44

And so I got looking at tables and tables were expensive, and so then I got looking at plans to build a table, because I like to do that stuff and I love spending time with my dad and I knew that if I asked my dad to help me build a table, he would come help me build a table. And so I looked at a lot of plans and they were all really intricate and detailed and time consuming and I didn't want it to take that much time because we needed a big table and we needed it faster than what I thought it would take if we made one that had a whole bunch of extra parts to it. So I thought about a bed, and I mean, like a bed frame is pretty simple and it holds people or multiple people, sometimes four or five people if you have little kids, and so I thought why can't we just make a table that's like a bed frame?

Speaker 1: 6:38

And that's really what it is it's a 10 foot long, four foot wide bed frame. And so my dad came and we threw it together in an afternoon, and then, a few years later, when we did our patio, we made a 12 foot long table so that we could fit more people outside, and so not only does the table like have special memories every week, but just like the coming about of the table was a really fun opportunity to spend. I think it's the only thing that I have ever like built with my dad, um, and so, like just that memory of that table uh, you know, like my dad won't always be around, but hopefully the table lives a long, long life.

Speaker 2: 7:24

One of my favorite traditions that you have in your family is just the fact that you're so intentional about gathering people for meals. Like that seems like such a simple thing. There's so many families that don't do that and you make sure to have meals ready and everybody's invited to that table and I think that alone is a tradition that you've instilled in this place of gathering in your home, and I love that. I also love that you're emotional about that. So as long as I can remember, I don't know when the birthday tradition started, but at the dinner table every night you have questions. You ask at dinner every night and then Sunday those questions adjust just a little bit. Tell us about that.

Speaker 1: 8:11

So I was trying to figure out where the whole dinner table question started, and I think that it really started when Corbin started school kindergarten, first grade and he, kindergarten, had a really hard teacher and didn't enjoy school.

Speaker 1: 8:29

And then first grade he went, his class was out in a trailer and he was terrified of bees and that bee there was like a beehive or something in like the the railing up into his classroom and so he was terrified to go to school and they moved him to another class but the teacher spoke Spanish half of the day and he didn't know Spanish and so he was like I don't like either place, but I think I'd rather be with the bees so that I know what my teacher is asking me to do. And so I think that it was when he was that little that every night we started our like daily gratitude, things, like just trying to help him, like recognize that there was good in every day, which was something I started on my mission, but getting him to like voice, you know, look for the good in the day. In a day that felt like there was nothing good is where that started. And then, over time, like I don't remember where, I heard someone talk about the highlights and lowlights the first time, but gratitudes turned into highlights and lowlights and who the heck knows, and all of the different things that we've talked about.

Speaker 1: 9:40

And I think most of the time people are more annoyed by the whole thing than I don't know like they want to do it, but when, like on the days when I'm having a bad day or I'm frustrated with things and I don't bring it up, there is always someone and it's not always the same someone who's like aren't we going to do our highlights and lowlights? So maybe they like it and they just don't want me to know that they love it.

Speaker 2: 10:05

Well, I think there's value, especially for kids, to be able to voice the stories of their day right and not just the good things, though I think a focus on gratitude is important, but that idea that, yes, I had these highlights, but also I had these hard things that happened today and to be able to, in a family setting, gain that emotional support or recognition or just to be seen for what it is that they're dealing with. I've watched, as you know a bystander sometimes and as a participant at that table I've watched the evolution of how they think about and share those things, and I think there's value in people just being seen and heard, and you've created that, which I love. I don't know if your perception is different, but that's what I see.

Speaker 1: 10:51

Well, and like thinking about that. Like I like Corbin and Gabe have never been super close, but when Corbin and Jonah are at our house, like the place thatabe will sit and talk with them is the table. It's not on a couch in front of the tv, it's not, but they have like lots of late night like bonding moments and it's at that table. Yeah, and I've never thought of that before and that's where the conversations. I know we all have a crush on someone. Let's just share it and pretend like not, pretend like we don't, but let's share with each other so that we can.

Speaker 2: 11:32

Yeah, I don't know. I think it's a beautiful tradition that you've created with that table idea of every night, whoever's at the table and it doesn't matter if it's a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a total stranger or some random person I've brought over with me everybody participates and you know what are your highlights of the day, what are your lowlights of the day. And then Sunday gatherings are a little bit different and again, I don't know if this was intentional, but you've created this opportunity for people to linger longer at the dinner table, because it's not just what were your highlights and what were your lowlights, you throw in some extra questions. You mentioned who the heck knows. I love that. Explain that question a little bit.

Speaker 1: 12:14

So the who the heck knows, so the highlight is like the best part of your day Lowlight. The worst part, the who the heck knows is something that you're either in the middle of or something that's coming up that you don't know if it's going to be good or bad. You're like you're not quite sure if you're excited about it, if you're nervous about it, if you're worried about it, if it's going to be successful, if it's going to fail, just something that's like weighing on you, that like and I think sometimes that was the only way to know things that you know, I don't have girls and I think girls seem to be more chatty and open about things. Boys are not, at least my boys are not, and so I think that that started as a like how do we dig without letting them know that we're digging for information?

Speaker 1: 12:59

Yeah, and then on some Sundays you throw in other questions and then you kind of have a standard wrap up question Tell us about that during the week that strengthened your relationship with the Savior, and then like a time when you saw God's hand or when you were able to serve someone and that wasn't very successful. Like I don't know if my kids just don't recognize those things or like if they were hesitant or embarrassed to share those things, and so now it's just something that we learned and it's. I feel like some of the grown-ups at the table sometimes make that harder than it needs to be, but it's good to know what people are learning and the things that stand out to them in the week that aren't like just there well, I did this or I got to go to this place but like what has really impacted the way that I think yeah yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:08

So another thing we do around that table is family birthday dinners, and again, I don't know when that started. When your kids were really little, you lived over an hour away, and so we used to have to drive up there or you would come down to where we live. Now you only live 15 minutes away from us, and as we gather around that table whether it's for a kid's birthday or an adult's birthday you started an additional tradition which, in addition to the highlight and low light of the day at this meal, we're also going to talk about the birthday person. Tell us a little bit about that.

Speaker 1: 14:42

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 14:42

So I I don't really know when that's, I mean, I think, like the whole, like we're probably going to talk about this in a minute, but the birthday story, I think, started kind of as a joke, but I think that like sharing something that we love about that person was just kind of like the fluff around the birthday story, right, like and my kids don't always get along with each other and they don't always say the nicest things to each other, so like finding reasons why we care about that person, I think like there's sometimes when someone's having a bad day or there's been a rough interaction and I don't know if you've ever been there for any of those but like those nights, we'll share things that we love about that person too.

Speaker 1: 15:27

But I think taking an opportunity to just reflect on like an individual relationship or the person whose birthday it is shares like their favorite memory of the year with everyone, or you know something like they share too, and so just being able to reflect and I guess in a way I hope that that helps my kids and the rest of us to realize that family really is important, and those relationships are the ones that you didn't get to pick and that are probably going to last longer than most of the other relationships you'll have in your life, and so it's important to find things that you love about those people in ways that you can connect that you love about those people and ways that you can connect?

Speaker 2: 16:11

Yeah, and I love that you used it as a way to help your children have a positive interaction with each other.

Speaker 2: 16:15

But, selfishly, as a grownup, at that table, I love when my birthday comes around, because I love hearing from each of them what has resonated with them when you ask them what was your favorite memory this year with Krista or what do you love about her. And to hear what they're sharing helps me know better how to love them, because then I know what's resonating and different things resonate with. I mean, you've got five kids and I have three siblings at that table and you and sometimes you know other people, and to hear what's resonating with them helps me to really make conscious decisions about how to improve my relationship with each of them as well, which I love. I love that too. So, in addition to going around the table and having everybody share what they love about the birthday person, you said that, like the original impetus was, as the mother, to be able to share their birth story, were you just trying to embarrass them? Did you have a motive there?

Speaker 1: 17:08

Well. So like I've been trying to figure out where that started and, like my kids are all fairly close in age like Corbin was eight when Finn was born and so as my older kids were getting older and I was having babies, they would ask questions and want to know things. And you know, some of those explanations were funny. Adam went to school to be a health teacher, so listening to some of his explanations of things about the female body and how it does things, I would have to sit around the corner and laugh. But you know, they wanted to know, like where do babies come from? How do they get here? And then you know we'd have a baby and they would want to know what, like how the day went and well, what about when I was born?

Speaker 1: 17:53

And so I like I think that it just kind of like happened on accident, and then like telling the birth story on their birthdays. I'm sure the first few times it was a joke or a way to like embarrass a kid who was like a young, like tween, who like doesn't want to hear about those things and to share it. But now it's like turned into okay, we got to tell the story and we got to call Nana so that she can tell the story. And and I like I was trying to think, like all I know about the day that I was born is it was a Sunday and when they called the doctor he was in the middle of his dinner and was not happy to come to the hospital. The end, like those are the only details I know about the day that I was born, and my kids can tell you a lot more than that about when everyone was born.

Speaker 2: 18:46

Yeah, I love that and I love that you've also incorporated that idea of like, when it's when it's one of our birthdays, as the siblings in the adult, siblings in the family, we call my mom and stick her on speakerphone and she'll go through the whole thing too, and the kids look forward to that, I think, because every one of those experiences is different, but all of those stories kind of weave together to create this narrative for our family, which just is a weaving together and a strengthening of the fabric of that family, because individual stories by themselves are important and have power, but when you weave those stories together into a narrative, it creates a fabric that binds us all together in a tradition, in a way that I think is really important, and I love that.

Speaker 2: 19:29

It's also been interesting to me because when we tell stories, we don't always tell them the exact same way every time and we don't always include all the details every time. And so, year after year, as you share those stories with your kids on their birthdays, to watch them and to hear what different details they pick up on based on what's important to them in their life at the moment, or if you skip over a detail, somebody at the table invariably will say oh well, what about this part of the story? So sometimes it feels like maybe they're not listening.

Speaker 1: 20:01

But they are, yeah, well, and like I think it's also like I mean, we're all the same family, we do a lot of the same things and like from the day they were born, like they were an individual and like none of their stories, they were all born in the same hospital and they all came from the same body, but other than that there's not. There's not a lot that's the same. And so I think, like helping them to understand, I think it's important for all of us to understand that we are all part of families or groups of people but within those groups, like we all get to be like our own individual person and that's what we bring to it right, to make it better and to like kind of fill in where other people lack. Think like starting from the beginning. Like my kids know that they're all different and that's good and that we're grateful for those like individual things that started the day they were born. Yeah, some of them nine months before they were born, right, I love it.

Speaker 2: 21:02

Did you ever reach a point at which you or maybe you're still waiting for this point at which you realize it's working? Like what you're hoping for, for, what's happening here with this particular tradition, is working.

Speaker 1: 21:13

One of the things I've noticed recently. Like you said, sometimes there's a lot of people at that table and it takes a long time because there's a lot of side conversations and little trails that we go down with comments that people make. But like I don't know if you've noticed, but lately people get up from the table because they're done but they don't ever leave the space, like they stay there and they act bothered but they never go far enough away that they can't hear what's happening, and so I don't think it's working like I envisioned it to work or, you know, like it's not all full of love and like happy people who want to sit and talk, but even a 20 year old and an 18 year old and an ornery 11 year old still stay close enough that they can hear and be a part of it.

Speaker 2: 22:07

I'd say that's working, so close enough that they can hear and be a part of it. I'd say that's working so and and I suspect we'll see this evolve over time. But like there's always seasons, right, and as they mature and change, and as the dynamics of the family change and as new people get brought to the table, that will change over time, and so I think having an expectation that it will be always the same or that it will have some glorious outcome isn't necessarily but to see that evolution and that closeness, I think it is working.

Speaker 1: 22:36

Yeah Well, in the days that I don't initiate it, someone and it's not always the same person someone else will. So I think that has to mean that it means something right. To mean that it means something right and a lot of my kids' friends, when they get to be a part of it or have to be a part of it, however, they feel like. A lot of them have made comments to my kids like that's really cool, my family doesn't even have dinner together, or like we don't really talk, so like, and your parents even wanted to know what I think. So that was kind of cool and so like. I think seeing that not everyone is that connected, I would hope helps them to feel loved and wanted and needed.

Speaker 2: 23:16

Now that you've been intentional about having dinner, you've created this tradition about asking these questions you mentioned just briefly. But the table then becomes this gathering place. Even when it's not mealtime, I come over, you know, and sit down and I mean there's always a mealtime in your house because you have five boys, somebody's always eating. But I'll come over and sit down and bring a book or bring my computer, or just come to hang out and I'll sit at that table because there's almost always one kid or another coming in and grabbing some leftovers or eating something after sports and they want to talk because you've created this place where that's what we do at this table and they want to tell me about their day or they want to, you know, ask questions or sometimes have hard conversations, and so I'm seeing that, even just in the minimal amount of time I'm in your house, are you seeing the same thing?

Speaker 1: 24:10

Yeah, yeah, and I, like I said earlier, like you know, like when Corbin's here, that's where he will sit and talk with Gabe. Gabe sometimes will just come and sit at the table. Like he will just come and sit at the table and he's not home a lot and usually he's asleep when he's home, but if he's not in bed, he's oftentimes sitting at that table waiting for someone to come around. And so, yeah, and I, like the kids will bring friends over and they'll sit at the table. They'll try to make food for their friends and make a big mess and then, like, make a disaster.

Speaker 1: 24:44

But that like even just watching my kids if they're not playing a video game and they're with people, they are usually sitting at that table and it's not the most comfortable place in our house to be, but maybe it feels more like a safe, like vulnerable space in our house, not like a. I'm going to sit in this couch and do my own thing, but the table is like the. This is where I can, this is where we share, this is where we open up. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 25:10

Well, and I think it's also where we connect, because one of the traditions in our family and I don't know if this is something your family did growing up, but our family certainly did was we played a lot of games, a lot of board games, a lot of card games, a lot of puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, a lot of sitting around and doing brain teasers, and we grew up in a family that did a lot of that, and so one of the things I love about this table you've created is that we can all sit at that table and all play a game together, which was very difficult for us growing up because our tables were never this large.

Speaker 2: 25:44

But also you can have two or three different games going on at the table, or once we did like five jigsaw puzzles or six jigsaw puzzles at once, and I love that you've created that environment for us to gather as a family, not just to eat and to talk, but also to just enjoy being in one another's company. So thank you for that, because it's important to me that you've created a space where we can carry on that tradition as a family, and I think you enjoy it too.

Speaker 1: 26:15

I do, and it's not something that I grew up with. My dad hates games, like I think he would rather do almost anything than sit and play a game, but he'll sit and play games with us, and when my mom and my grandma come over like, they will usually entertain at least Finn with a game or two, and so sometimes I feel like we need a skinnier table to play our games on, but it is nice that there is maybe a shorter table if we're playing speed.

Speaker 2: 26:44

Nobody has arms that long especially not me.

Speaker 1: 26:47

But yeah, and that was all part of the thought behind it. We need a space where we can be together and do together.

Speaker 2: 26:57

I love that. So you've created this culture and this tradition in your family and drawn in so many people into that. As you look to the future, as your family continues, continues to evolve, as our family continues to evolve and grow, what is like? What do you hope for that space?

Speaker 1: 27:14

and then also what your children maybe carry into their own families well, I hope one day that table is full of lots of, lots of new people like I love, that jonah and gracie can come over and that our other kids' friends can come over and they feel safe and they feel welcome and they feel a part table, no matter how big or small it is or if it's just a bedside table in a nursing home when I'm old, that it will be a safe place for people to come and be who they are and share whatever they want and feel loved and appreciated.

Speaker 1: 28:01

I hope that one day there are little grandkids running around that table, maybe sitting under the table with the dogs, I don't know. But I hope that my kids will at least carry on a tradition of finding ways to connect with each other and with their kids in a way that they know what's happening in their life, because there's a lot in this world that can be really scary and confusing and I think if you don't feel like there's somewhere you can go and talk about it like it can eat you up. It can. You know the information you find might be not the best information, and so I think just having a place where people can come in and be who they are and share what they want to share and I hope that. I hope that my kids find value in that and carry that tradition on in some way with their future families that I hope they will have.

Speaker 2: 28:55

Well, I am so grateful that you are a part of our family and that you have embraced me as a part of your family. I love you. I love the richness and the connection that you have brought into our family. So thank you, and thank you for being here. Well, that's all I've got for you on this episode of Stories that Live In Us, but here's some great news. One of the most valuable things you can do to help me and other potential listeners to find this show is for you to both rate it and leave a review. So, as a special bonus, if you write a review, take a screenshot of it and email it to stories that live in us at gmailcom and I will send you a free ebook with my top tips for discovering and sharing your own family history stories. Also, please share, share. Share this podcast with anyone you think might enjoy it. Until next time, remember that sharing your family stories means better perspective, deeper connections and a more empowering identity for you, your children and your grandchildren, maybe even for generations to come.